FIVE UNINTENDED EFFECTS OF THE WRITERS' STRIKE

The writers' strike is threatening to ruin all of our lives. And not just for the reasons you already know. Aside from the obvious effect of ending some seasons early (Heroes) and delaying others (Lost, 24), the strike's trickle-down effects may have the greatest impact on American society since the invention of electricity. Official scientists pooled their resources and came up with these externalities caused by the strike that will hit America hard in the coming weeks:

1. Unemployed Pirates: Remember when there was a baseball strike and they had all those stories about how the players were all rich, but it was the poor peanuts and beer guy who suffered? Similarly, the writers are overlooking an entire industry that profits from their efforts - the piracy industry. Without new shows and movies, the pirates have nothing to rip off. That guy who brings a camera into the movies? Out of luck. That dude who sells bootleg dvds from his trunk? Out of business. That techie who posts copywrited tv shows on Youtube? Stuck posting copywrited reality tv show clips on Youtube. Arrrrgg! Recommendation: There's nothing we can do for these poor souls but pray.

2. Dramatic Rise in Injuries: Without TV, middle age dudes will turn to recreational sports to fill the void. The problem is, middle age dudes, by definition, are past their primes. Along with increased wait times to get into pick-up basketball games, expect to see a flood of baby boomers clogging the emergency room with ankle sprains, ACL injuries, and bruised egos. Recommendations: If you want to play basketball, show up around 9:00 pm. Your wait to get into a game will be shorter because the old dudes will either be in bed or injured by then.

3. Increased Use of Porn: As far as we know, the writers' strike has not extended to porn writers. People who crave original scripted shows will be forced to turn to counterparts in the porn industry. Fans of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation will turn to "CSI: Crime Scene Insemination" while fans of the Gray's Anatomy spinoff Private Practice will be forced to watch "Private Porn-tice." Recommendation: Don't shake hands with men.

4. Increased Birth Rate: With nothing to watch on TV, couples are more likely to turn to sex to fill time from 8-11 pm. In other words, there are going to be a lot of 'Desperate Housewives' looking for something to do. While this is good news for way more than 'Two and a Half Men' amd their 'Bones', the natural effect of this rise in copulation is the production of more offspring. Infrastucture will struggle to meet the increasing demands of generation "tv strike". Recommendations: Schools should start preparing now for an influx of children . Cities need to upgrade infrastructure to account for the additional people that will clog streets, sidewalks, and internet cafes. To profit from this trend, buy stock in stores that cater to babies. This baby boom will likely result in increased profits for stores like Babies R Us, Gerber, and Smith and Wesson.

5. Increasing Test Scores: If you have a child, you can kiss their chances of going to college good-bye. Without new episodes of those shows on CW and Fox that youngsters love, children are going to devote more time to school. Soon, these children will catch up with the nerds whose parents don't let them watch TV other than PBS. This will raise grades and test scores, making it more difficult to get into college. Odds are, your children are going to be left out in the cold. Recommendation: Explain to your toddler that it is ok to have hopes and dreams, as longs as those hopes and dreams don't include going to college, getting a good job, or having nice toys.

As you can see, this strike is about more than sharing profits from DVD sales and streaming internet video. It threatens to impact every facet of our lives.

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