Moments in Sports ... and Nuts
My high school gym teacher imparted two important lessons on me. First, showering before school is pointless when you have gym first period. Second, most sports are played with balls. However, I don't think he meant it quite as literally as I took it. It turns out, when you combine the excitement of sports with the comedy of deez nuts, you get some truly amazing moments. Maybe the players on this list are on to something. There's a reason why people are called sports nuts.
Not to be outdone by the NBA, in 2014, the NFL stepped up its deez nuts game in a big way.
1. Marshawn Lynch Lets His Hand Do The Talking: Marshawn Lynch was fined $11,050 for his amazing touchdown move on December 21, 2014. At the end of his 79 yard touchdown run, Lynch did a backward dive into the endzone while grabbing his crotch. You can almost hear him yelling "deeeeeeez nuuuuuts!" as he scores. We took it as a good sign when he was not penalized at the time for the move. Unfortunately, the NFL lived up to its 'no fun league' reputation when it issued a fine. As an impartial female sports fan said to me "That's what makes the NFL fun. Why did they have to fine him for that?" That said, the fine was less than the $15,000 fines the NBA issued, so maybe the NFL isn't so bad after all.
UPDATE: Not content to grab his boner once, Marshawn Lynch again reached for greatness on January 18, 2015 in the NFC Championship Game against the Green Bay Packers. With one clutch of his gonards, Lynch achieved immortality as the only man in sports history to hold his nuts on TV twice in one season. A true inspiration!
2. Kelce Rubs One Out: There's an oft repeated phrase among men that goes like this: It's ok to rub one out. Apparently this axiom does not hold true during an NFL game. Kelce was fine $11,025 after he made the classic 'rub one out' gesture during a November 30, 2014 game againt the Broncos. I know a lot of guys who have Peyton Manning on their fantasy team who pretty much jerk off to him all the time, so I don't know why this move was deemed inappropriate. Kelce's Twitter explanation makes it even more funny. At least Kelce can take consolation in the fact that his fine was $35 less than Lynch's.
3. Swift Kick to the Schaubicles:Kelce and Lynch can thank a pioneer from way back in 2012 for coming up with the innovation that the NFL and nuts could intersect. That trailblazer is Ndamukong Suh. During the 2012 Thankgiving Day match between the Detroit Lions and the Houston Texans, quarterback Matt Schaub had a lot to be thankful for. Getting kicked in the gonards by Ndamukong Suh was probably not one of those things (I mean, they wear cleats in the NFL, right?). This Karate Kid* move is one reason Suh was named the NFL's dirtiest player in a poll of NFL players. It is also the only reason he is named the funniest sports nut kicker in a poll of me.
*Wax on, wax off indeed. Karate Kid is an 1984 movie about a boy who learns karate. It includes this classic line, which many believe evokes masturbation.
4. Epic Theft: In 2011, then Dallas Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob Ryan blatantly stole a deez nuts joke from our website. How do we know? Sports Illustrated reported it! Click Here to see the proof.
Major League Baseball is literally filled with examples of dudes who get hit in the nuts with a baseball. Some of these have been documented in our list of the Greatest Baseball Injuries of All Time. Rather than rehash that list, we'll refer you to the baseball episodes of The Adventures of Deez and Big Country, which feature some choice nut shots and classic deez nuts jokes.
Ok, we'll also share one of the best minor league baseball mascots of all time ... the NUTS!:
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