Great Moments in Sports ... and Nuts
 

My high school gym teacher imparted two important lessons on me.  First, showering before school is pointless when you have gym first period.  Second, most sports are played with balls.  However, I don't think he meant it quite as literally as I took it.  It turns out, when you combine the excitement of sports with the comedy of deez nuts, you get some truly amazing moments.  Maybe the players on this list are on to something.  There's a reason why people are called sports nuts.

BASKETBALL

It should surprise no one that the sport with the biggest balls is the source of some of the best moments in sports ... and nuts.

1. Big Balls Dance: In the NBA, when you hit a big shot, you show off your big balls by doing the appropriately named Big Balls Dance.  The dance, started by Sam Cassell (pictured in Clippers Jersey), involves a below the waist hand motion that simulates juggling a pair of really big balls.  Kobe Bryant was a practitioner of the dance, but it reached epic fame when the Bulls' Marco Belinelli became the first document white dude to pull it off in a big game 7 playoff win against the Nets in 2013.  In doing so, Belinelli became the Larry Bird of balls.  Unfortunately, the NBA was not keen to take advantage of this marketing opportunity and banned the dance.  In 2014, Jameer Nelson and Kevin Martin kept the dance alive ... at a cost of a $15,000 fine each.  Totally worth it.

cassell balls dancebelinelli big balls

2. Nut Punch (college): Sadly, nuts in basketball are not all fun and games.  Sometimes a player loses it and punches another player in the sac, which is really funny to everyone ... except the player who got punched in the ballsac.  2004 was the first recorded instance of this phenomena we could find. The trailblazer?  DePaul Blue Devil Levar Seals.  The victim? Cincinnati Bearcat Tony Bobbitt (which is really ironic given what happened to the other famous Bobbitt).  In the 2013 Conference USA basketball title game, seals hit Bobbit in the sac with 8:22 left in the game.  That historic move cost Seals an ejactulation, er' ejection and Cincy went on to win the game.  DePaul basketball has never recovered, but Bobbitt did.
hurtinggetting better

3. Nut Punch (Olympics): The Olympics are supposed to be a shining beacon of sportsmanship and competition.  France's Nic Batum, then of the Trailblazers, blazed a trail right to Spain's Juan Carlos Navarro's nuts in the 2012 London Olympics.  Nicely done ... for a Frenchie.

olympic nutsbatum nut punch beforebatum nut punch after

FOOTBALL

Not to be outdone by the NBA, in 2014, the NFL stepped up its deez nuts game in a big way.

1. Marshawn Lynch Lets His Hand Do The Talking: Marshawn Lynch was fined $11,050 for his amazing touchdown move on December 21, 2014.  At the end of his 79 yard touchdown run, Lynch did a backward dive into the endzone while grabbing his crotch.  You can almost hear him yelling "deeeeeeez nuuuuuts!" as he scores.  We took it as a good sign when he was not penalized at the time for the move.  Unfortunately, the NFL lived up to its 'no fun league' reputation when it issued a fine. As an impartial female sports fan said to me "That's what makes the NFL fun. Why did they have to fine him for that?" That said, the fine was less than the $15,000 fines the NBA issued, so maybe the NFL isn't so bad after all.

deuce bus

UPDATE: Not content to grab his boner once, Marshawn Lynch again reached for greatness on January 18, 2015 in the NFC Championship Game against the Green Bay Packers.  With one clutch of his gonards, Lynch achieved immortality as the only man in sports history to hold his nuts on TV twice in one season.  A true inspiration!

marshawn lynch ballsmarshawn lynch nuts

2. Kelce Rubs One Out: There's an oft repeated phrase among men that goes like this: It's ok to rub one out. Apparently this axiom does not hold true during an NFL game.  Kelce was fine $11,025 after he made the classic 'rub one out' gesture during a November 30, 2014 game againt the Broncos.  I know a lot of guys who have Peyton Manning on their fantasy team who pretty much jerk off to him all the time, so I don't know why this move was deemed inappropriate.  Kelce's Twitter explanation makes it even more funny. At least Kelce can take consolation in the fact that his fine was $35 less than Lynch's.

kecle rubs one outkelcetweetkelce tweet

3. Swift Kick to the Schaubicles:Kelce and Lynch can thank a pioneer from way back in 2012 for coming up with the innovation that the NFL and nuts could intersect.  That trailblazer is Ndamukong Suh.  During the 2012 Thankgiving Day match between the Detroit Lions and the Houston Texans, quarterback Matt Schaub had a lot to be thankful for.  Getting kicked in the gonards by Ndamukong Suh was probably not one of those things (I mean, they wear cleats in the NFL, right?).  This Karate Kid* move is one reason Suh was named the NFL's dirtiest player in a poll of NFL players.  It is also the only reason he is named the funniest sports nut kicker in a poll of me. 

schaub suh groin kick

*Wax on, wax off indeed. Karate Kid is an 1984 movie about a boy who learns karate.  It includes this classic line, which many believe evokes masturbation.  

4. Epic Theft:  In 2011, then Dallas Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob Ryan blatantly stole a deez nuts joke from our website.  How do we know?  Sports Illustrated reported it!  Click Here to see the proof.

BASEBALL

Major League Baseball is literally filled with examples of dudes who get hit in the nuts with a baseball.  Some of these have been documented in our list of the Greatest Baseball Injuries of All Time.  Rather than rehash that list, we'll refer you to the baseball episodes of The Adventures of Deez and Big Country, which feature some choice nut shots and classic deez nuts jokes.

Ok, we'll also share one of the best minor league baseball mascots of all time ... the NUTS!:

nuts

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