GREATEST SPORTS SAYINGS

 

Sports are fun. But when the game gets out of hand, it can be boring. It is during these times that legends are born and careers are made. Why? Because that is when my focus is drawn away from the game and to what the announcers are saying. And since the maturity level on this site is just about the same as a 12 year old boy (no offense to the readers who are 12 year old boys), some of the stuff announcers say are really funny. Not because they are comedians, but because they are accidentally suggestive. Check it out:

 

1. "He's Got Two Balls": Next time you are watching a major league baseball telecast, listen for this one. Ever since I discovered it, I've been able to tolerate baseball. After the pitcher misses the strike zone the first time, it is "ball one." And when he misses again...WHAMMY!

2. "The Backdoor Play":  In basketball, the back door play is when a player without the ball gets behind the defense and receives a pass for an easy score. This can be executed when a defender overcommits on defense. If you are watching a team that uses this tactic, like Princeton, you'll hear lots of funny variations of "They are going for the backdoor!" Interestingly, golf has the very same fixation. In golf, the backdoor is the rearmost edge of the hole from the perspective of the player.

 

3. "Somehow he found a hole to get it into": Next time you are watching an NFL or NCAA football game, watch for this one. I promise the announcer will say it when the quarback zips the ball through traffic to the wide receiever.

 

4. "Deuce": In tennis, when the score is tied, it is called "deuce." I can't help but think of the phrase "dropping a deuce." What can you expect from a sport that calls 'zero' Love?

5. Shuttlecock: In gym class, your teacher probably called that thingy you hit in badminton a birdie. But it is also called a shuttlecock - which is why your gym teacher called it a birdie.

 

6. "He takes a long deuce": This phrase comes into play when a basketball player shoots a shot just inside the three point line.

 

7. "Sac Fly": This phrase, short for 'sacrifice fly' occurs when a baseball player's ball is caught in the outfield, but he hit it far enough to allow the man on third base to score a run. Or, given it's peculiar spelling, I suppose it could be referring to a zipper.

 

8. "He's Out!" and "He Struck Out": Here are two similar baseball phrases with very different meanings. In light of John Amaechi's recent revelation and the constant rumors swirling around Mike Piazza, "He's out" is either an indication that the batter has failed to reach base, or a callous move by the announcer to expose the batter's sexuality. On the other hand, "He struck out" can either refer to the batter's swinging and missing a third pitch, or his failed attempt to get a date.

 

9. "Good ball movement": Another basketball phrase, which congratulates a team for passing around the ball well.

 

10. "He pulled a groin": This phrase arises all too often in many sports. It either refers to an unfortunate injury, OR masturbation.

 

11. "He got him with the high hard one": Yes, I know this refers to a fastball. However, something about giving someone the high hard one reminds me of an unwanted anal intrusion.

12. "Sack Master": This honor is bestowed upon a football defender who is adept at getting to the quarterback. But if you forget you are talking about the NFL, you'd have to wonder what it means to be master of your sac. In baseball, the danger is even greater, as players can "hit a sac fly."

13. Phil Jackson's Quote: In during the 2007-2008 season, the Lakers Coach said "We call this a 'Brokeback Mountain' game, because there's so much penetration and kickouts. It was one of those games."

14. "Ball Handling": Announcers often compliment point guards who get a lot of assists by praising their "ball handling skills." For some reason, when I think of someone 'ball handling' I am thinking masturbation. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

15. "That was a huge sack on the QB": In football, when a quarterback is sacked at a crucial moment, the announcer will make note of it. Or, he could be talking about the size of his package. I'm not sure.

16.  "The Jack Man...": In Nascar, the Jack Man is a member of the pit crew. He is usually only mentioned if he screws up during a pit stop. In a fraternity, the jack man is the guy who has the huge collection of porn and can't get a date. Come to think of it "The Driver is Taking a Pit Stop" could mean he is refueling and changing tires, or that he ate too much Taco Bell and needs to Drop a Deuce. See, everything IS related!

17. "He's a good distance from the hole. He better use his wood for this one": When golfers need to hit the ball a long distance, they use a 3 wood or 5 wood. And of course, their goal is to get their balls into the hole.

18. "The 69 Car": This is 100% true. In 1992, a courageous NASCAR driver named Denny Wilson got behind the wheel of the 69 car, sponsored by WIndjammer Barefoot Cruises. According to HASCAR statistics, this arrangement lasted for all of one race, in which Wilson finished 38th and won $3450 in prize money. Admittedly, I didn't watch this race. But for one glorious day, the announcers had to talk about the 69 car.

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