Quick and Easy Guide to Nicknaming Your Friends III

Back by popular demand, the third installment in the seminal series: Quick and Easy Guide to Nicknaming Your Friends.  And yes, you can laugh at the word seminal.  By now, hopefully you have read installments I and II.  If not, you probably don’t have a lot of friends.

 

  1. Pubert E. Lee: Like Scrofus T. Jackson, this name is multifaceted.  First, harkens back to the civil war because it sounds kinda like Robert E. Lee.  But, that is tempered by the fact that Robert (BORING!) is swapped for Pubert, which brings puberty to mind.  Therefore, the best application of this name is to an older friend who, in your mind, has just hit puberty.

 

  1. Scrobillioniare: This name is perfect for that rich friend who is a tool.  It says:
    ”You may have a lot of money, but you are still a scrotum.”

 

  1. Lupus: This name sounds cute, but according to “the dictionary” Lupus is a disease.  So you probably don’t really want to call anyone Lupus to their face if there is a chance they know what it is.

 

  1. Dr. _____, Esquire: PhD’s and medical doctors get to add Dr. to their name.  Lawyers get to add esquire at the end.  If you put a ‘doctor’ before their last name, and ‘esquire’ afterwards, they will believe you think they are smart.  I mean, that’s like conferring two degrees on them, without even charging tuition!  And after a while, they may even start to believe they are smart themselves.

 

  1. Pornstar: This one is simple.  Pornstars get paid to have sex.  If you call someone a pornstar, you are indicating that you think they are so attractive to the opposite sex, that they should get paid.  Or, you use this name for someone who has a really bad mustache.

 

  1. Detriment: Use this name sparingly. This person is such a loser, they are a detriment to the entire human race.  They are probably such a detriment, they won’t be able to figure out why you have bestowed this nickname on them.

 

  1. Penile Inversion: This name is open to a lot of interpretations, so it is best used with a friend who has a high self esteem.  Otherwise, they will wonder why their name has “penis” in it.  If they ask you, just reply “No man, it’s an inverted penis, so it’s cool.”  That should confuse them long enough to change the subject back to fantasy baseball.

 

  1. Cheezer: Again, open to interpretation.  Exactly what kind of Cheez are we referring to?  Rappers refer to money as Cheeze, so our first possibility is a rich dude.  Or it could be Butt Cheez, which takes on an entirely different meaning: loser who smells like anus.  Chuck E Cheeze?  Child Molester.  What about EZ Cheez?  Probably a ho-bag (because they are easy).  Pepper Jack?  No idea, but you get the point.

  2. Scromine: This is a scrotal inversion of the chemical element Bromine. According to Wikipedia, Bromine is derived from the greek word Bromos, meaning stench of "he-goats." We at Bofa D's don't know the difference between the stench of "he-goats" and regular goats, but neither can be good. And neither is your stinky friend Scromine.

    Before there could be a Guide to Nicknames part III, there had to be a one and two. So go check them out, if you've just been calling your friends by their actual names.

    Guide to Nicknaming Your Friends Part I
    Nicknames II: the Return
    Nicknames 4: Scrotal Edition
    Nicknames 5: Strokin' Edition

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