Quick and Easy Guide to Nicknaming
Your Friends III
Back by popular demand, the third installment in the seminal
series: Quick and Easy Guide to Nicknaming Your Friends. And yes, you can laugh at the word
seminal. By now, hopefully you have
read installments I and II. If not, you
probably don’t have a lot of friends.
- Pubert E. Lee: Like Scrofus T. Jackson, this
name is multifaceted. First,
harkens back to the civil war because it sounds kinda like Robert E.
Lee. But, that is tempered by the
fact that Robert (BORING!) is swapped for Pubert, which brings puberty to
mind. Therefore, the best
application of this name is to an older friend who, in your mind, has just
- Scrobillioniare: This name is perfect for that
rich friend who is a tool. It
”You may have a lot of money, but you are still a scrotum.”
- Lupus: This name sounds cute, but according to
“the dictionary” Lupus is a disease.
So you probably don’t really want to call anyone Lupus to their
face if there is a chance they know what it is.
- Dr. _____, Esquire: PhD’s and medical doctors
get to add Dr. to their name.
Lawyers get to add esquire at the end. If you put a ‘doctor’ before their last name, and ‘esquire’
afterwards, they will believe you think they are smart. I mean, that’s like conferring two
degrees on them, without even charging tuition! And after a while, they may even start
to believe they are smart themselves.
- Pornstar: This one is simple. Pornstars get paid to have sex. If you call someone a pornstar, you are
indicating that you think they are so attractive to the opposite sex, that
they should get paid. Or, you use
this name for someone who has a really bad mustache.
- Detriment: Use this name sparingly. This person
is such a loser, they are a detriment to the entire human race. They are probably such a detriment,
they won’t be able to figure out why you have bestowed this nickname on
- Penile Inversion: This name is open to a lot of
interpretations, so it is best used with a friend who has a high self esteem. Otherwise, they will wonder why their
name has “penis” in it. If they
ask you, just reply “No man, it’s an inverted penis, so it’s cool.” That should confuse them long enough to
change the subject back to fantasy baseball.
- Cheezer: Again, open to interpretation. Exactly what kind of Cheez are we
referring to? Rappers refer to
money as Cheeze, so our first possibility is a rich dude. Or it could be Butt Cheez, which takes
on an entirely different meaning: loser who smells like anus. Chuck E Cheeze? Child Molester. What about EZ Cheez? Probably a ho-bag (because they are
easy). Pepper Jack? No idea, but you get the point.
- Scromine: This is a scrotal inversion of the chemical element Bromine. According to Wikipedia, Bromine is derived from the greek word Bromos, meaning stench of "he-goats." We at Bofa D's don't know the difference between the stench of "he-goats" and regular goats, but neither can be good. And neither is your stinky friend Scromine.
Before there could be a Guide to Nicknames part III, there had to be a one and two. So go check them out, if you've just been calling your friends by their actual names.
Guide to Nicknaming Your Friends Part I
Nicknames II: the Return
Nicknames 4: Scrotal Edition
Nicknames 5: Strokin' Edition