Bofa D's Quick Guide to Nicknames

Names can be hard to remember.  Here at Bofa D's, we would rather not take the time to learn people's names.  Why waste those precious 5 minutes, when you could be playing video games, checking sports scores, or thinking about playing video games or checking sports scores?  To save time, we just give people nicknames.  Because we like you, here is Bofa D's Quick Guide to Nicknames.

1. Strokems:  This is a very versatile nickname.  It combines a cute sound with an image of masturbation.  Perfect for that friend who is either cute, or masturbates a lot.

2. Ballstein: If you have a male friend who is totally cool, give them this name. It screams masculinity.

3. The Eagle: This name is reserved the friend you watch "Welcome to Mooseport" with.  If you have, for some reason, watched that movie with more than one friend, this name is reserved for your friend with the best leadership skills.

4. Big Country: This name goes to your friend who is big, from a rural area in the midwest, and is either bald or shaves their head.

5. Jizzer: Everybody has that friend they don't really like that much, but they keep around for some reason.  Maybe they have money and buy you stuff.  Maybe they are kinda fun to make fun of.  Whatever the reason, that person is hereby named "jizzer."

6. Scrotal Warrior: No idea who should be called scrotal warrior, but people laugh whenever I say it.

7. Stainer: This name goes to the friend who is always a downer, or the friend who is most likely to leave skidmarks in his underwear. 

8.  Steinage:: One level down from Stainer. This is the friend who IS the stain left on the underwear. NOTE: If you have a friend who you want to call Steinage, he isn't really your friend

9. --Ologist:  If all else fails, add "ologist" to the end of whatever part of their name you remember.  Ologist added at the end of words means "one who studies" (Like zoologist, biologist, scrotologist).  When someone hears an ologist word, they think "Mmmm smart."  As a result, if you get their name right, this makes them feel that you think they are important, even if they are not. If you call Simon "Simonologist" he''ll be impressed that you think he's smart, and he may even start to think he's smart.  If you totally flub their name, you can play if off like it was all part of the nickname and you did it on purpose.  If you call Albert "Simonologist", he may think that is a strange name, but he'll never know you thought his name was Simon.

10. Milllenial: This name implies the passage of time.  A new Millennium.  This is a very versatile name.  You can just call people Millenial or use it as a prefix to whatever other name you gave them.  Millenial Rambus.  Millenial Ballstein.  Millenial Jizzer.  Millenial Simonologist.  It adds length to someone's name, which means it takes longer for you to say, which gives you more time to think of something to say to them.

11.  Cautionary Note: Never ever resort to the cheap cop out of combining their first initial with their last name.  That is lame, lazy, and inexcusable.  The lone exception is, if doing this makes a funny word - Kenyon Martin becomes K-mart.  Borderline.  Kevin Federline becomes K-Fed.  Lame.  You are better than that.  At least you are after reading this guide!

We've done all the work, all you have to do is pull yourself away from the computer and make some friends.

Bofa D's Guide to Nicknames Part II

Bofa D's Guide to Nicknames Part III

Bofa D's Guide to Nicknames Part 4: Scro Edition

Bofa D's Guide to Nicknames Part 5: Strokin' Edition

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Other Pages Of Interest:

Bofa D's Ode to Maury Ballstein

Bofa D's Great Names Throughout History

Bofa D's Kritter Korner

 
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