Bofa D's Investigates: The Ten Worst Jobs In America: Part II
Bofa D's groundbreaking expose into the Ten Worst Jobs In America continues below with jobs 6-10:
6. Porn Reviewer: Writing reviews of porn would seem like a dream job. But not for Harrison Woolsey. First off, the Ivy League trained film studies major had to change his name to something that evoked sex without being explicit, a task that is easier said than done. Secondly, Harrison reports that writing reviews of porn is harder than it looks (no pun intended). "I've reviewed 10,000 full length porn movies since I took this job, and I don't even like porn. Do you know how hard it is to say something original about each movie you review? All porns are pretty much the same." Perhaps more vexing for the film scholar is the industry's failure to follow the guidelines he was taught as a Harvard student. "These movies don't follow the standard three part dramatic structure - they don't even have a plot. And don't get me started on the scripts!" Woolsey's social life has also taken a beating (no pun intended) as women are less than enthusiastic about dating a man who watches an average of three hours of porn a night.
7. Children's Book Artist: When Nellie Winters answered an ad for a job illustrating children's books for a new author, she was elated. She has always loved kids, and this presented an opportunity for her to make a positive impact on children while using her art degree. Unfortunately for Nellie, the book turned out to be about a dinosaur and a chicken who have adventures together - a scientific inaccuracy that enraged poor Nellie. "How the hell am I supposed to illustrate a book about a chicken and a dinosaur? Dinosaurs were extinct long before chickens evolved. What kind of message is this for kids?" Nellie tried to strike a balance between her boss' story and her ethics by drawing a chicken-like dinosaur and a dino-like chicken. Sadly, this satisfied no one, and Nellie was let go. Nellie insists she isn't bitter, but she had choice words for children's book authors. "These 'writers' claim to be artists. How hard can it be to write a children's book? There are hardly any words and kids can't even read. Everyone knows a picture book is all about the pictures. I'm sick and tired of these hacks slapping together three words for a page and getting 90% of the royalties."
8. Athletic Cup Designer: When athletes get hit in the nuts, they can thank one man for the ability to bear children. That man is Richard Johnson. Johnson is the man who designs athletic cups. "As society progresses, so does the science of groinal protection." Johnson says. Johnson quietly toils in his lab, testing new designs ... on himself. "If my new prototype doesn't work, I don't want to subject another man to that." Instead, Johnson grits his teeth as an autopitcher hurls a baseball at 90 miles an hour directly at his crotch. Johnson has suffered more than a few mishaps. "One time, the Red Sox commissioned me to design a 'Yankee proof' cup that could withstand a 100 mph fastball. That cost me a few trips to the emergency room before I perfected it." Although Johnson has not been able to have children, he hesitates to blame his profession. "Sure, constant blows to the testes could result in sterility. But that's never been proven. And until it is, I'm going to continue to do what I love."
9. Monkey Agent: Gus Quentin is the nation's foremost monkey agent. His clients are seen in countless commercials selling pretty much everything. But life isn't as fun as a barrel of monkeys. "Well, for starters, I get paid in bananas. Just kidding. Of course I don't get paid in bananas. That would be silly." Quentin says. "But joking aside, it can be really hard to overcome the language barrier. I mean we have translators and stuff to communicate with our clients. But sometimes the monkeys only understand Spanish. So, I have to get a monkey-ese translator, and then get a Spanish translator for the monkey-ese translator." A tour of Quentin's office reveals another downside of working with primates: His entire office is covered in excrement. "What am I supposed to do, ask them to stop? They are the talent, they do what they want." Quentin laments.
10. Celebrity Photographer: Emil Roy (pronounced 'wah') is a classically trained photojournalist from Paris. He came to this country hoping to refine his art and aid in the spread of culture to America. Instead, through a series of mishaps, he ended up as a celebrity photographer. "The paparrazzi have a bad reputation" he told us "We endure countless hardships to fill America's insatiable appetite for pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie, and in return we are spat upon." Roy prides himself on the way he artistically captures his subjects in a way that both informs and uplifts. "That Britney crotch shot? Mine. Did you notice how I made sure the shadows contrasted with the look on her face to illustrate the modern human condition?" But his devotion to his craft is a double edged sword. "I was in therapy for weeks after the Britney shot. And I can't even remember how many times I've been attacked just for doing my job - scaling the security gate, climbing the ivy to the second floor of a celebrity's house, forcing open the window to the bathroom, and waiting there to take a picture."
Are these fine Americans heroes? Eh, not really. Should we feel sorry for them? That's a personal decision. But one thing is sure, our lives are made better for their efforts. So the next time you laugh at a monkey on tv, or reach for stomach relief when you are stuck on the toilet, remember the brave souls who made it possible.
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