Bofa D's Investigates: The Ten Worst Jobs In America

Bofa D's is known for funny guides like the Ten Signs it is Time to Break Up With Your Girlfriend. But until now, we have not been known as a hard hitting investigative site. That is why we decided to travel America in search of The Worst Jobs In America:

1. Condom Tester: Ronnie Fugate feels like a cheated man. When he learned about the opportunity to work at a condom factory as a tester he figured he would make a good living and lose his virginity at the same time. Imagine his surprise when he realized that the testing process involves no sex whatsoever. To make matters worse, Ronnie has developed an allergic reaction to anti-spermicide. "God has dealt me a bad hand, but I'm just going to plug away until something else opens up." Ronnie told us.

2. Animal Inseminator: Rory McClaine is endangered species' best friend. His job is to help animals on the verge of extinction survive through artificial insemination. He has contributed to saving the Giant Panda, the Bald Eagle, and the Siberian Tiger. However, this job is not as glamorous as it seems. "Insemination involves taking the sperm cells from a male of the species and combining it with the ovaries of the female. Someone is in charge of getting those sperm cells...and that someone is me." McClaine recounted difficulties he has faced in collecting these sperm cells. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to arouse a Giant Panda? All they want to do is sleep all day." In many cases, McClaine has resorted to creating 'animal porn' - videos comprised of female animals doing various activities in nature. But this is a difficult task for a human. "I have no idea what pandas are hot in the panda world. They all look the same to me." McClaine began describing the physical collection of the sperm cells, but honestly, it got so gross we made him stop. Needless to say, it was a gripping tale.

3. Diarrhea Relief Quality Control: Most of America takes its diarrhea relief for granted. Not Wendy Hansen. In the heavily regulated home remedy industry, someone has to periodically check the product to ensure quality. To do so, Hansen is fed a special diet of foods formulated to simulate diarrhea conditions and given an industrial laxative. Then she uses the product and takes detailed notes. "The first ten times they gave me diarrhea I was just happy to have a job. But I gotta be honest, it's getting old. I mean, I have to eat Mexican food, corn, and peanuts. It's nasty." Hansen estimates that she is given diarrhea roughly ten times a month, all in the name of our convenience.

4. Commercial Voiceover Guy: In the cutthroat world of commercial voiceover, it is eat or be eaten. And judging by the fact that pretty much all commercials are done with a voice other than James Colgate's, it looks like he has been eaten. "In this game, you have to be able to say certain things." James told us. Unfortunately, due to a traumatic childhood experience that he would not tell us about, James is unable to utter the phrase "in a world..." Given the number of movie trailers that use that phrase, James has found himself cut out of the industry. "When they have a commercial with the phrase 'papa knows best' I'll be ready! I've been practicing that line for years." James assures us.

5. Minor League Baseball Mascot: Many of the risks of being a minor league baseball mascot are known by the general public. The humiliating costumes, the meager pay, screaming kids kicking you in the nuts...But recently retired mascot Donny McElvoy is finally blowing the lid off of the underbelly of the profession. "Sure I got kicked in the gonads" McElvoy reports. "But that was a vacation compared to the indentured servitude we were forced to take part in." According to McElvoy, it has long been a tradition in the minor leagues for the losing team to present the winning team with its mascot after the game to do its bidding for the evening. "And let me tell you, we sucked." said McElvoy. "I washed jockstraps, coached batting practice, made beer runs ... you name it, I did it." When pressed for the more scandalous things he was forced to do, the formerly talkative McElvoy clammed up and stifled a tear. "My therapist says I shouldn't talk about that."

nuts mascot

PART II of this groundbreaking investigation profiles dirty jobs 6-10.



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