Ten Greatest Baseball Injuries of All Time
Baseball players have a reputation for being wimps. As any fantasy baseball team owner will tell you, players always seem to go on the disabled list for something being sore. Usually, this is bad news for a team. But sometimes, that injury is so funny that it overcomes any negative impact on the baseball field (or your fantasy squad). No, we're I'm not talking about the 'groin pull' (though that is very funny), I'm talking about these even more bizarre injuries:1. Testicular Fracture: On July 1, 2008 Arizona catcher Chris Snyder was placed on the DL with a testicular fracture. This leads to a plethora of questions. How does one fracture a testicle? (In this case, apparently by getting hit in the balls with a foul tip - talk about a 'sac' fly!) I didn't even know there was anything in your testicle that could 'fracture' - I mean, isn't that reserved for bones?
2. Anal Fissure: On March 25, 2008, Houston Astros second baseman Kaz Matsui was placed on the DL with an anal fissure. For the next few weeks, every report about Matsui said "Kaz Matsui (anal fissure) ..." As if it wasn't bad enough that the guy needed surgery on his anus, but they had to remind us with every update as to why he wasn't playing. Perhaps a bigger question is, how does one get an anal fissure in the first place?
3. Dropping a Deuce: Mired in a season in which he was batting around .166, many Dodgers fans felt it was time to dump the underperforming Andruw Jones. On July 19, 2008 he took a more literal approach to the talk of 'dumping' as he was held out of the lineup because of "stomach problems." Jones reported "I've had to go to the bathroom quite a few times." Sounds like a story fit for The Deuce Diaries.
4. Golf Ball Sized Wart: Andruw Jones makes his second appearance on this list with another 2008 injury that is more gross than funny: a golf ball sized wart on the back on his knee. Think about that for a minute. A wart. As big as a golf ball. Behind your knee. Insert comment here: __________________.
5. That's Using Your Head: On July 19, 2008 Oakland first baseman Daric Barton was placed on the DL for a head injury that required 6 staples (that's right, staples, not stitches) to his head. That's not very funny. But what is funny is how he got injured - diving into a pool that was too shallow over the All-star break. That's using your head!
6. Falling Down Stairs: In May, 2008, Padres pitcher Shawn T. Estes was placed on the disabled list with a broken thumb ... that he suffered while falling down the clubhouse tunnel stairs. The only thing more bizarre than someone injuring themselves falling down stairs is the fact that someone was paying Shawn T.Estes to pitch for them.
7. Pillow Talk: Brandon Inge went on the DL in 2008 with a strained oblique which he hurt ... moving a pillow. "I have a 3-year-old son who sleeps in the bed with my wife and me," Inge said. "I was trying to push the pillow down behind his head (two nights ago), and when I did ... I repopped (the strained muscle)." I'm totally cool with the freak injuries caused by players slamming their hands into lockers or kicking a cooler after a bad game. But to hurt yourself, and actually have to go on the disabled list, because you moved a pillow? And it wasn't even his pillow! Can't his son move his own damn pillow? The only positive is, he's Brandon Inge, so it's not like the Tigers (or my fantasy team) really were out much while he was gone.
8. Guitar Hero-itis: Detroit reliever Joel Zumaya missed three games of the 2006 ALCS because his wrist was sore from playing too much Guitar Hero.
9. Spousal Abuse: Nowadays, reports of athletes beating their wives or girlfriends is unfortunately a common event. Less common is the athlete who misses a game because he was beat up by his significant other. But that is exactly what happened to Chuck Finley in April of 2002, when his wife Tawney Kitean hit and kicked the Indians pitcher. You may remember Kitaen from such hit movies as "Bachelor Party" and "California Girls." As a result of the attack, Finley suffered cuts and bruises and missed his first start of the season. As a side note, Finley was on my fantasy team that year, and I believe this missed start caused me to lose the league. Thanks Tawney.
10. Testicular Torsion: March 16, 2008 was a great day. That was the day Felix Pie of the Cubs returned to action a mere five days after surgery to correct a twisted testicle. I'm not sure what is more amazing, the comeback, or the fact that his testicle got twisted in the first place.
Busting a Nut: Seattle Mariners third baseman Adrian Beltre went on the DL in 2009 with an injured testicle suffered when a groundball took a bad hop and hit him in the nards. Specificaly, "there was some tearing of the testicle and apparentl is some internal bleeding in there." Anyone who has ever been kicked in the nuts knows how even a non-testicle tearing injury to the nuts can knock them out of action. But Beltre stayed in the game. Beltre said "It hurt pretty bad. It was hurting me pretty much the whole game after that." Of course, all of this could have been easily avoided if Beltre had worn a protective cup. Seriously, Beltre is a third baseman who doesn't wear a cup when be plays. Although he avoided the disabled list, Beltre's stint on the DL was extended because "the swelling's gone down a little slower than we thought ... it's improving, buy slowly" The only thing worse than being on the DL for having swollen nuts is having your manager have to give updates on your testicles to the national media. Source: Seattle Times.
Human Chorionic Gonadotropin: Manny Ramirez' use of the female fertility drug HCG isn't technically an injury, but it makes this list because he took a medicine that made him miss 50 games during the 2009 season. Sure, he missed the games because he was suspended, but that's close enough for Bofa D's. Manny's suspension is funny for a number of reasons. First, he was suspended for taking a female fertility drug ... and he's not even a female. So, either he's been cast in the Arnold Schwarzenegger role in a sequel to the movie "Junior" (That's where Arnold got pregnant), or he was using the drug to mitigate the side effects of cycling off steriods. In that case, HCG is needed because the "body might stop producing testosterone when users go off steroids, which can cause sperm counts to decrease and testicles to shrink." If sperm counts and shrunken balls aren't funny enough for you, take a closer look at what HCG stands for - Human Chorionic Gonadotropin. Even I never would have guessed that there is actually a drug with the word "gonadotropin" in it.
Pulling His Meat: In June of 2005 Clint Barmes suffered a pretty much career ending shoulder injury while hauling some deer meat that Todd Helton gave him. The broken collarbone required insertion of a titanium plate and nine screws to help the bone heal. Ouch. To make matters worse, Barmes originally claimed he fell carrying groceries. That only makes you look like a wuss, man. A guy named Clint should know better!
That's Argenis, Not 'Our Genius': In 2009, New York celebrated Mets' prospect Argenis Reyes' call up to the big show. Unfortunately, Argenis' rise to the top was slowed by his inability to protect his sac while playing with the Buffalo Bisons. Poor Argenis "had a gruesome injury ... He required groin surgery after getting struck with a one-hop grounder while not wearing a cup." The Bisons website described the injury as a "groin contusion" which is apparently a fancy way of saying you got hit in the nuts with a baseball.
As you can see, injuries can have a devastating effect on a baseball team ... Luckily, there is the minor league. Sure, a team can call up a player to replace an injured one. But the real value of minor league teams is the minor league baseball mascot. CLICK HERE to see the best mascots in all of minor league baseball.
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