Help These Unemployed Product  Mascots bofads logo

 

Product mascots are a defining characteristic of American society.  Mascots like Tony the Tiger, Kool-Aid Man, and Toucan Sam have stood the test of time and have achieved immortality.  But the road to glory is littered with has-beens whose chance to shine was snubbed out by the cruel twist of fate.  This is Bofa D's attempt to cast light on their plight.

 

gaylord

Grimace: The tale of Grimace brings a tear to the eye.  In the 1980s, Grimace was The Man.  His popularity translated into billions of hamburgers sold.  Kids loved him, men wanted to be him.  But unfortunately for Grimace, one of those 'men' was Ronald McDonald.  Jealous at Grimace's easy charm and natural charisma and unable to reach the top through his own talent, Ronald undertook to ruin Grimace's career.  Ronald managed to do just that by claiming Grimace touched his fry inappropriately.  Fearful of scandal, McDonald's quietly pushed Grimace to the background, where he remains today.

grimace lovechild

In the meantime, Grimace has had to stomach the emergence of Big Red, Western Kentucky's mascot, who may or may not be the product of a Grimace-Birdy liason.  Now, Grimace suffers in silence and spends most of his time painting pictures of what might have been.

boo

Boo-Berry Before

boo berry returns

Boo-Berry Now

Boo-Berry: Boo-Berry's tale is one of friendship and betrayal.  Back in the day, Boo-Berry, Count Chocula, and Frankenberry were like the Three Muskateers, or the Three Amigos, or some other group of three friends.

Each had their own hit cereal and were featured in commercials.  As part of this trio of greatness, Boo Berry had it all: fame, money ... fame.  Then it all began to unravel.  Frankenberry noticed that while the Count had the entire chocolate cereal market, he had to share the 'berry' market with Boo.

That did not sit well with ol' Frank.  He went behind Boo-Berry's back and conspired with Count Chocula to cut him out of the scary cereal scene once and for all.  But, whereas Grimace was just pushed out of commercials, Boo-Berry's entire cereal line was squashed.  Does anyone ever see Boo-Berry in stores anymore?  Boo-Berry tried to make a living as Casper's stand in, but wracked by depression, he just couldn't hack it. When he was rejected for a walk on role in Ghostbusters III, he had truly hit rock bottom.  Now he wanders around in his pathetic hobo hat looking for the Ghost Whisperer to help him ease his pain.

UPDATE: Thanks to the public outcry caused by this story, Boo-Berry has been given a temporary reprieve.  Riding a wave of nostalgia, Boo-Berry once again has graced the cover of a ceral box.  Sadly, the story is not a total happy ending, as marketing executives conditioned the return on getting a facelift to appear "hip to todays cool daddios." He may have his cereal back, but odds are, few people will buy it because he kind of looks like he's trying to reach out and molest you.

wichita state shocker

Twinkie the Kid: Unlike Grimace and Boo-Berry, Twinkie the Kid was no supporting actor.  He lead a whole crew of Hostess mascots whose names have been lost to history. And unlike Grimace and Boo-Berry, no one chased him off.  Despite the fact that the company that makes them went bankrupt, Twinkies are still America's Favorite Food That Lasts For 20 Years.  But for some reason he is no longer on the box.  He just vanished... Attempts to bring Twinkie the Kid back have thus far been stymied by the cruel reality that America lost its taste for cowboy pitchmen named Twinkie after Brokeback Mountain.  

cocoa crispies

    Cocoa Krispies Monkey: Everyone knows Snap, Krackle, and Pop, the three Rice Krispies dudes.  But not everyone knows that Cocoa Krispies, which     tastes way better, had a monkey!  It is common knowledge among adverstising genuises that monkeys are great for selling stuff.

    But inexplicably, the powers that be at Kellogg's replaced the monkey with...Snap, Krackle, and Pop.  Who wants more of them?  They suck.  Compare the boxes for         yourself.  Which would you rather buy?
I knew Snap, Krackle, and Pop had clout, but I never would have guessed they had the juice to knock off a monkey!

monkeyhouse

No one knows for sure where the Cocoa Krispies Monkey resides today, but there have been unconfirmed sightings at the Monkey House.


John: Unlike the other mascots on this list, John never got his break.  Sure, he is an amazing cartoon toilet that swallows poo when you flush, but that doesn't exactly line up with a lot of products to pitch...other than diarrhea relief remedies.   

So, what can YOU do to help these poor out of work product mascots?  Ummm, not much really.  I guess if it makes you feel better, you can read some of these classic autocorrect fails.  It won't help the mascots, but at least you will feel better.


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