Ever since the time of dinosaurs, man has told jokes. Humor has been evolving for literally millions of years. Evolving so much in fact, that even animals are telling deez nuts jokes now. Many historians now believe that the current era may very well be the funniest time in the history of history.  BoFans, we've moved from an era of knock-knock jokes to a more sophisticated and mature form of comedy that represents the culmination of man’s struggle to evolve: The Deez Nuts Joke. Bofa Ds is proud to be a driving force behind this new phenomenon which is ushering in a Golden Era of Comedy. We are proud to present:

Deez Nuts Jokes For Every Occasion*

1. Ask someone “Do you want to see bofa?”  They respond “Sure, why not?”  You then call out “Bofa Deeeeeez Nuts!”  It is then up to you whether you honor their request to actually see bofa.

Originality Factor 8: We only heard this once before it moved us so deeply as to create this website.

Effectiveness Quotient 10:  Almost no one sees this coming.  They may not understand why you would ask if the want to see bofa, but they will have no idea that an affirmative response may give them a view of your testicles.

Best time to use: Any time, day or night.

 

2. Ask a baseball fan, “Circa 1999, did you want the Yankees or the Expos to win the World Series.”  This is a win-win.  If they say Expos you yell “Expose deeeeeeeeeeez nuts!!”  It is then up to you whether or not you expose doze nuts.  If they say Yankees, you yell “Yank on Deez nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuts!” but don’t allow them to yank on your nuts.

 

Originality Factor 8:  This one was a far more popular when the Washington Nationals baseball team was the Montreal Expos.  At this point, you are sure to be the only one asking this question.

Effectiveness Quotient 5: People likely won’t anticipate where you are going with this, so they’ll fall right into your trap.  But no one really wanted the Expos to win, so you’ll be doing more yanking than exposing.

Best times to use: Watching a baseball game, or your during a stressful moment in your fantasy baseball draft.

3. Call out someone, “Hey Phil,” even if they are not Phil.  When they respond, “Phil who?” it is your chance to exclaim “Phil Deeeeeez Nuts!”

Originality Factor 2: This one was widely popular in the original Snoop Dogg era.

Effectiveness Quotient 6: Most people let down their defenses because won’t know why you are calling them Phil.  However, it can be quite difficult to recognize that you are using the name Phil to mean feel.

Best time to use: Pick your spots carefully.  If there is a guy named Phil around, you are toast.

 

4. Ask someone “Have you tasted Captain D’s?”  When they respond as to whether or not they’ve eaten food from the popular seafood restaurant, you get to verify, “Captain Deeeeeeeez Nuts?!”

 

Originality Factor 9: While many people may think of this when they see the signs for this restaurant, we have never been asked it.  And since no one we know has even eaten there, the odds are you will catch them by surprise with this one.

Effectiveness Quotient 9: It will be very hard for your friends to fathom that you can turn a sophisticated conversation about one of America’s finest restaurants into a question about whether they have tasted your scrotum.

 

Best time to use: Lunch or dinner.  People don’t eat Captain D’s for breakfast.

 

5. Ask your friend, “Do you know anyone who has Felty’s?” If they are unfortunate to have a friend who has Felty’s syndrome (which according to www.medicinenet.com is a complication of long-standing rheumatoid arthritis), it is your opportunity to exclaim “Felt Deez Nuts!!!!” 

 

Originality Factor 10: We had to google random words in hopes of coming up with the next big thing in deez nuts humor just to find Felty’s syndrome.

Effectiveness Quotient 1 or 10: This will not be effective if your friend has no idea what you mean by Felty’s.  If your friend has heard of Felty’s syndrome, it is a hit.  Imagine the range of emotion.  First, sadness at the thought of such a horrible disease.  Then, surprise that you don’t care at all about their sick friend.  Then euphoric joy that you are so funny to think of a new way to say someone has felt deez nuts.  And finally, understanding that in this scary world, all we really have is deez nuts.

Best time to use: Well, if you pull this out in a hospital, your odds of someone knowing what you are talking about improve.  Then again, so do your odds of offending someone.

 

 

6. Ask your scholarly friend, “Do you prescribe to the theories of Dr. Rubdy?” If they have read the paper “Sensitizing Learners Towards a More Productive Classroom Participation: an 'Exploratory' Approach” by Rani Rubdy of the National University of Singapore, they are likely to respond with a resounding yes.  Then it is your turn to shout “Rub Deeeeez Nuts!!!”  If they ask who Dr. Rubdy is, you say “Rub Deeeez Nuts!” then grab your crotch, and then explain that Dr. Rubdy wrote a very important paper on class participation.

Originality Factor 10: Our guess is that the people who are reading Rani Rubdy’s journal articles are not the same people who tell Deez Nuts jokes.  Just a hunch.

Effectiveness Quotient 10.  This joke works under all circumstances.  Those who don’t know Rani Rubdy will still be shocked when you say rub deez nuts.  The scholars in this world who know about Rani Rubdy will be happy to discuss their feelings and then will enjoy the fact that you really just want to discuss your balls.

Best times to use: A teachers’ convention; a cocktail party full of stuck up intellectuals.

7. You ask “Do you dance to Oldies?”  If so, you reply “You dance to h’old deez nuts!”

Originality Factor 7: If you bust this out as pickup line at the dance club, at least you’ll know they haven’t heard it before.

Effectiveness Quotient 4: If they listen to oldies, they don’t want to talk to you or hear your stupid Deez Nuts jokes. 

Best time to use: your visit to the nursing home is ideal because old folks like oldies music.

8. Do you know George Lichty? They may know that he is the author of a book titled Grin and Bear It, or they may not.  But either way, you get to say “George Lich Deez Nuts!”

Originality Factor 10: Our bet is that Snoop Dogg never read a George Lichty book, and neither have your friends.

Effectiveness Quotient 3: The effectiveness here is debatable.  On one hand, they won’t see the Deez Nuts coming (no pun intended).  On the other hand, your friend may interpret this verbal exchange as you admitting that George has fellatiated you.  And that’s more effective in putting a bad image in your friend’s head than making them laugh.  At Bofa D’s, we advise against using this one unless you do have news about a lover named George, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Best time to use: Um, I’m not sure you should ever whip this one out (no pun intended).

9. You can ask “When you watched Alias, were you a fan of Rimbaldi?” There will be one of two responses.  “I’ve never seen Alias. Who is Rimbaldi?” Or they will say “Yes, I love Rimbaldi.”  Either way, you have the chance to shout “Rimbald Deeeez Nuts!!!!”

Originality Factor 2: In our opinion, anyone with our sophomoric sense of humor who has heard of Rimbaldi has thought Rimbald deez nuts.  However, that is a small subset of the population.

Effectiveness Quotient 7: The surprise factor is there.  The flow from Rimbaldi to Rimbald Deez Nuts is there.  If they hear Rimbal-Deez nuts, they’ll feel the comedy.  If they hear rim-bald-deez-nuts there could be a problem.  Putting the image in their head of a freshly shorn scrotum may not be effective in getting a laugh. 

Best time to use: If someone mentions Jennifer Garner or Ben Affleck, strike fast with this joke.  If someone is talking about their family problems, save the joke for later.

10. You can ask, “Do you want a bag of goodies?”  Everyone should say yes.  Then you get to say “A bag of good Deeeeeeeez Nuts!”

Originality Factor 7: We can’t imagine that this one is originally ours, but we haven’t heard it from anyone. 

Effectiveness Quotient 8: This one is great on so many levels.  Everyone wants a goody bag.  Not everyone wants your bag of good nuts.  But everyone will love the classic punch line.

Best times to use: Halloween; weddings.

11. When your friend looks to be suffering from allergies, offer them some Claritin D. Then they accept your offer, clarify.  You are willing to give them Claritin Deeeeeez Nuts!

Originality Factor 9: Frankly, we don’t see how this one has escaped the drug makers’ advertising campaigns.

Effectiveness Quotient 10: Allergy sufferers are stuffy, their eyes burn, and they are having trouble breathing.  They don’t want to hear your joke, they want relief.  But, when they hear that you are offering Claritin Deez Nuts, they may very well be healed.  After all, laughter is the best medicine.

Best time to use: allergy season.

12. “Is your favorite New Orleans Saint Reggie Bush or Drew Brees?”  If they say Bush, you get to chuckle at the obvious juvenile reference.  But if they chose the star quarterback, you yell “Drew Breeees Nuuuuuuuuts!”

 

Originality Factor 3: Our college buddies have been yelling this since Drew was at Purdue.

Effectiveness Quotient 1: We’re not sure we really get it either, but we’ve been saying it for so long, it makes this list.

Best times to use: Great distraction during your Fantasy football draft; conversations about Hurricane Katrina recovery efforts.

13. “Have you seen the classic film starring David Duchovny called House of D?”  Your best scenario is that they have no idea what you are talking about.  Regardless you yell “House of Deez Nuts!”

Originality Factor 6: Since no one really saw this movie, it is original.

Effectiveness Quotient 3: Well, there isn’t really much of a payoff.  And no one except X-files fans even remember who David Duchovny is.

Best times to use: any serious conversation about movies; hangin’ out at Blockbuster Video.

14. “Who is your favorite DJ?”  They’ll name someone, and unless they are rude, they’ll ask yours.  Your reply? “The only man who I can trust to count down the Weekly Top 40 is Rick Dees.  Rick Deez Nuuuuuts!”

Originality Factor 7: You can bet this one hasn’t been used too many times.

Effectiveness Quotient ?: If you are already talking about music or DJs, and they have listened to Rick Dees and the Weekly Top 40, this is pure gold.  Otherwise, you are just kinda strange.

Best times to use: Conversations about radio; talking to the guy in the next bathroom stall.

15. You ask: "Who makes the better french fries, McDonalds or Wendys? Depending on their response, you get to yell either "Micky Deez Nuts!" or "Wen-Deez Nuts!"

Originality Factor 4: People have been calling McDonalds Micky D's for a while. On the other hand Wendeez is new.  

Effectiveness Quotient 95: Either way they answer, you get a Deez Nuts joke.

Best times to use: When you are in McDonalds or Wendys. There is a very small chance they will appreciate your enthusiasm for their product and sign you at their new pitchman. Imagine yelling "Wen-Deez Nuts!" on TV for a living.

16. The Grand Daddy of Them All: “Do you like CDs?” Wait for it…See Deez Nuuuuuuuts!

Originality Factor 0: This is the first Deez Nuts joke.  It rulez, but it is certainly not original.

Effectiveness Quotient 100: No matter how many times you use this one, people still fall for it.

Best times to use: Any time you are talking to another person.

* It should be noted that grabbing or motioning to your crotch adds to the effectiveness of the Deez Nuts punch line.  More enthusiastic gestures result in bigger laughs.

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