Deez Nuts Jokes 9: 

Still At It After All Deez Years

It seems like only yesterday we started compiling the world's best deez nuts jokes, but we've actually been at this for years.  Somehow, we manage to create new jokes in the face of adversity.

As always, each joke is carefully scored according to how original it is and how effective it is when you use it.  Finally, as a service to our readers, we give you the best time to spring the joke.  That takes all the thinking out of it, leaving you free to concentrate on your groin emphasis move (the move you do to draw attention to 'deez nuts' when you spring the punchline on your unsuspecting friend).  

Oh, and if you like Deez Nuts jokes, make sure to visit the earlier editions, pages 1, 2, 34, 5, 6, 7 (the one nut edition), 8 (NASCAR edition), 10 (entertainment edition) and exclusive video of animals telling deez nuts jokes.  If you don't like deez nuts, I'm guessing you are pretty ticked off that you came to this page.  The best way to get revenge is to send this link to everyone you know.  The second best revenge is to check out some epic iPhone Autocorrect Fails.

The Joke Originality Factor Effectiveness Quotient Best Time To Use
You: Who is your favorite Hobbit?
Them:  Bilbo Baggins
You: Baggin' deeeeez nuts!

The first joke about the Lord of the Rings.   Score: 9 If you can bag groceries, you can certainly bag deez nuts.  The one risk is that they say Frodo, in which case, you have to improvise and say "Fro Doze nuts!" Actually, that works too. Score: 10  This is a versitile joke.  You can use it when you see Smeagol.  You can use it when you are in the library.  Or you can use it when discussing the works of J.R.R. Tolkien.  
You: What is your favorite mythical creature other than a unicorn?
You: Drag on deez nuts!

Jokes combining mythical creatures and deez nuts are very rare, because deez nuts are anything but mythical.  Score: 10
You do run the risk that your friend's favorite mythical creature is the Griffin.  Also, I'm not sure what the end game of dragging on nuts would involve.  Could be painful.  Score: 5
You have a better chance of eliciting the 'dragon' response if you are discussing King Arthur or Komodo dragons.  Do you wanna Dragon?  Heck yeah you do!
Them: Can I have a slice of pizza?
You: Piece a deez nuts!!!
Sadly, this joke has already been animated ... by us! (you can view it HERE). Score: 1 We animated it because it is an awesome joke.  It is also the only joke initiated by the other person.  Score: 10 When you have pizza, don't share it.  The trap is set.

You: Is there a conveniently short way to refer to United States Dollars?
Them: USD
You: Use deez nuts!
The only joke about currency exchage and testicles. Score: 10 There's a good reason there aren't any other jokes about currency exchange and testicles.   Score: 1 When you are watching a TV show with a stock ticker across the bottom of the screen with female.  Otherwise, you are inviting a guy to use your nuts, which could get very painful.
You: What kind of alien is Worf from Star Trek: The Next Generation?
Them:  Klingon
You: Cling on deez nuts!
Klingon jokes have been told for years (see e.g. Klingons around Uranus.) Score: 1 Even though it is anything but original, even the most devout trekkie will appreciate this joke.   Score: 10 Bonus points if you can spring this on a person in a starfleet costume at Comic-Con.
You: Who is President Obama's Attorney General?
Them: Eric Holder.
You: Holder of deez nuts!
Amazingly, this is the second presidential cabinet joke (see Rice, Condi).  Score: 1 You are basically saying the Attorney General is the person who is in charge of holding your nuts.  On the one hand, that makes you a badass.  On the other hand, it could get you arrested and sent to GITMO.  Score: 6 Away from any microphones, FBI agents, or black helicopters.
You: Who was a founding member of the Communist Party of Germany?
Them: Paul Frolich
You: Fro lick deeeez nuts!
Originality is a byproduct of the natural animosity beween communists and deez nuts jokes.  Score: 7 The odds of your friend knowing who Frolich is are very small.  In fact, if your friend does know who he is, your friend is likely a communist and you should stop being their friend.  The only reason this joke gets any points at all is the fact that your nuts have a fro.  Score: 1 Do not tell this joke during the background check for your new job that requires top secret security clearance.
You: What was Underworld prequel called?
Them: Rise of the Lycans.
You: You are likin' deeeeez nuts!
Kate Beckinsale is hot.  Rhona Mitra is hot too and kind of looks like Kate Beckinsale.  I'm distracted.  Score: Where am I again? Kate Beckinsale ... likin' deez nuts.  That would be cool.  Score: 10 Kate Beckinsale can like deez nuts any time she wants.  Kate if you are reading this, call me!  Rhona Mitra, you can call me too, but is it ok if I call you "hot lady who looks kinda like Kate Beckinsale?"
You: Who is the crazy leader of North Korea?
Them: Kim-Jong Un
You: Kim Jong on deez nuts!!!!
There are no jokes about Kim-Jong Un, because he will kill anyone who makes fun of him. Score10 The joke makes little sense. But it isn't any more nonsensical than "everybody wang chung tonight" so we'll give it a pass.  Score: 3 When the news talks about North Korea threatening to blow up the United States.  What better time for a deez nuts joke?
You: What is the name of the group of passerine birds in the family Hirundinidae which are characterized by their adaptation to aerial feeding?
Swallow deeez nuts!
Hirundinidae are known for comedy.  Score: 8 The joke makes sense.  Aerial feeding actualy fits with swallowing nuts.  Win-win. Score 6 Everyone loves to talk about Hirundinidae right?

CLICK HERE to view THE ADVENTURES OF DEEZ AND BIG COUNTRY - taking deez nuts jokes to the next level ... animation!  Here's a sample of the goodness you will find:


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