Deez Nuts Jokes 7: 

John Kruk Edition

The 1500s were a simpler time.  A time before the stresses of modern day life.  But then there was a revolution that changed the world.  Not the Industrial Revolution, but rather, the Deez Nuts Revolution.  In 1569, Sir Dezziere Nutierrez uttered the first deez nuts joke, and ever since that fateful day, deez nuts jokes have changed the way people look at testicles.  Even though deez nuts jokes have been around for literally thousands of years, society continues to evolve. Each new innovation has the side effect of great comedy.  

One such innovation is having one nut.  In the 1500s, everyone had two nuts.  But then, people started having one nut.  The patron saint of one nut dudes is former baseball player John Kruk, who used the aerodynamic advantage of having one nut to bat .300.  In addition to helping dudes hit baseballs and giving guys more room in their jeans, having one nut allowed us to come up with a new variation of deez nuts jokes - the dis nut joke.  Rather than pointing to both of your testicles, you are now focusing on one nut (this nut).  

As always, each joke is carefully scored according to how original it is and how effective it is when you use it.  Finally, as a service to our readers, we give you the best time to spring the joke.  That takes all the thinking out of it, leaving you free to concentrate on your groin emphasis move (the move you do to draw attention to 'deez nuts' when you spring the punchline on your unsuspecting friend).  Now more than ever, you must concentrate on this move, as your thrust requires pointing to only one testicle - if you point at both, the joke is ruined.

Oh, and if you like Deez Nuts jokes, make sure to visit the earlier editions, pages 1, 2, 34, 5, and 6 (and the new pages, Deez Nuts Jokes 8: NASCAR Editon and Animals Telling Deez Nuts Jokes).  If you don't like deez nuts, I'm guessing you are pretty ticked off that you came to this page.  The best way to get revenge is to send this link to everyone you know.

The Joke Originality Factor Effectiveness Quotient Best Time To Use
You: What is that medical condition where your skin turns yellow?
Them:  Jaundice
You: Join Dis Nut!

Dis nut jokes are all original.  But even within that subset of comedy, no one jokes about jaundice.   Score: 9 Jaundice is one of those things people know about, but don't really know why they know about it.  They'll be pretty happy that they know what it is, which amplifies their shock when you point to your nut and tell them to join it. Score: 8 if you do it with an accent that makes 'join this' sound close to jaundice, 5 otherwise. Your odds of having them know what jaundice is increases exponentially if you spring this joke on someone with jaundice.  But joking about their disease kind of makes you a jerk. 
You: Can you help me with this?
This nut!
The original this nut joke.  A variation of this joke is often told by drunk college guys while exposing their scrotum.  Score: 2
News flash to guys who send phone pictures of their junk to women: No one wants to see your scrotum.  While untested, this principle likely holds true with jokes.  Score: 1 if you show your sac, 7 if you can simply point at it.
When you are carrying a heavy piece of furniture.  They'll believe you need help, and when you drop what you are carrying to point at your nut, you'll surprise them even more.
You: What did the Lion in The Wizard of Oz suffer from?
Them: Cowardice
You: Cower dis nut!
The movies have long been documented as a source for testicular humor (See Dundee's Nuts).  Therefore, this is simply another hit in a long line of movie jokes.   Score: 5 If they say cowardice, you win.  If they say "herpes" you lose your chance at a joke.  The Effectiveness Quotient is also reduced by the punch line.  One could assume that "cower dis" is an order to fear your nut.  But when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me.  Score: 3 Tell this joke when you are in the stall of a public bathroom and you don't want to come out and face people who have been waiting 20 minutes because you've been in there so long.  When you tell them to cower dis nut, they'll evacuate the bathroom.
You: What was the sea monster  that is associated with Scylla in Greek mythology?
Them:  Charybdis
You: Care rib dis nut!
Despite being a noted comedian, Homer did not include this joke in the Odyssey.  What a loser.  Score: 10 It is good to ask people to take care of your nut.  Unfortunately, Charybdis wasn't pronounced Care-rub-dis, which would have made this the perfect joke.   Score: 4 Ideally, you will spring this on a tourguide during your Greek vacation.  They'll know the answer and you can spring the joke on a large group all at once.
You: If I cloned two copies of Hall of Fame coach Vince Lombardi, what would I have?
Them: Two Lombardis.
You: Lom bar deeeeeez nuts!
I think Vince Lombardi included this joke in his autobiography.  Score: 2 This isn't a dis nut joke, but it is a pretty decent deez nuts joke.  Score: 6 Any time the Packers are on TV.
You: What is an article of clothing for women, covering the body from the neck to the waist that was worn in Europe during the 16th to 18th century?
Them: Bodice
You: Bo dis nut!
The 16th century coincides pretty closely with the invention of the deez nuts joke.  Although having one testicle had not yet been invented, it is likely that this joke was told, albeit in a foreign language.  While the joke has been lost to the annals of time and translation, I cannot in good conscience say this is an original joke.  Score: 1 Very few people know what a bodice is, but if they do, they'll appreciate this joke.   Score: 7 I think bodices are always being taken off in those romance novels.  So, ask someone one who you see reading any book with Fabio on the cover.
You: I'm looking for a one stop shop to get my brakes, oil change, and tires.  Any suggestions?
Them: Midas.
You: My dis nut!
Who knew that the "Trust the Midas touch" slogan could be so funny. Score: 8 People who like grammer don't like double negatives.  Since you could refer to your nut as 'my nut' or 'this nut' is 'my dis' nut a double positive?  If my head is spinning, imagine what my high school English teacher is thinking right now.  Score: 3 Well, there are a lot of places that do brakes and stuff, so the best place to make sure you get the desired answer is in the lobby of a Midas.
You: Who plays Adrianna Tate-Duncan in new version of 90210?
Them: There's a new version of 90210?
You: I know you watch that show.
Them: I swear I watch it for the articles.  Anyway, the actress is named Jessica Lowndes
You: Lown dis nut!
Jessica Lowndes is no laughing matter.  Therefore, this is the first Lowndes joke ever recorded.  Score9 Surprising? Yes.  Does it make any sense?  Not so much.  Plus, I think her name isn't even pronounced 'Lown-dis.'  All that said, she is pretty, so the conversation will soon turn to how good looking she is, and your bad joke will be forgotten.  Score: 1 While watching 90210 with your buddy.  Since odds are no one who reads this page watches that show, I'm guessing this joke will be retold once.

CLICK HERE to view THE ADVENTURES OF DEEZ AND BIG COUNTRY - taking deez nuts jokes to the next level ... animation!  Here's a sample of the goodness you will find:




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