Deez Nuts Jokes 5

Just when you thought that the Deez Nuts Jokes well had run dry, Bofa D's hits you with the latest list of soon-to-be classic jokes.  While we'd love to claim all of the credit for ourselves, we have to admit that most (ok all) of these come from our fans.  We'll give them the credit they deserve by attributing the joke to them.  Congrats, you're famous now!  Thanks to a steady stream of submissions, we've continued to add jokes to this page.  New jokes are in RED at the bottom!

Oh, and if you like Deez Nuts jokes, make sure to visit the earlier editions, pages 1, 2, 3, and 4.  We also have later batch: Deez Nuts Jokes 6.

The Joke Originality Factor Effectiveness Quotient Best Time To Use
You: Hey, can you do me a favor?
Friend: Yeah, sure.  
You:  On your iPhone, can you look something up for me?
Friend: It isn't porn is it? You: No, I need to know the founder of the Southern Poverty Law Center.
Friend: Uh, it says ... Morris Dees.  
You: Morris DEEZ NUTS!
This is a pretty sweet set up, and it is the first joke to employ an iPhone.  The score is dragged down slightly by our previous inclusion of a Maura Dees joke in a prior edition. Score: 7 This is pretty awesome because no one would expect a deez nuts joke arising from the Southern Poverty Law Center.   The score is lowered to reflect the chance that the founder of the Southern Poverty Law Center doesn't have a sense of humor and finds this page and uses his law degree to sue us (please don't!). Score: 8 When you are stuck waiting in line and there's nothing to do but play on your iPhone.

Source: I. Paschal, with credit given to Will
You: Hey man, have you been down to the dock to see that giant war ship?
Them: What war ship?
You: Worship Deez Nuuuuuts!
War ships are not often talked about, and when they are, they are rarely the subject of jokes.  Score: 10 This is the rare situation where the set up and the entire punchline make sense.  Score: 10 It would help if you are near a naval base or something that has war ships.  If not, at least try to have a body of water near you.  Then again, if they fall for it and you live hundreds of miles away from any water, it is evern funnier!

Source: J. Starrett
You: Do you know who Baron Samedi (sah-me-dee) is?
Them: Baron Samedi is a voodoo god of death.  Baron Samedi is also a James Bond Villain.
You: Sah - Me- Deeeeeez Nuuts!
This may be the first documented instance of a Baron Samedi being mentioned on the internet.  If not, it is the first use of his name in a joke.  Score: 10 Unless you know a James Bond fan or a voodoo master, it will be hard to work this joke into conversation.  More power to you if you can. Score: 5 While practicing voodoo or watching Twilight (because anything is a relief when you are watching Twilight)

Source: E. Bostwick
You: Do you now who wrote Scream and Nightmare on Elm Street?
Them: Wes Craven
You: You're Craven Deez Nuuts!
Wes Craven, how could we have missed that?  Score: 9 Everyone loves Nightmare on Elm Street.  I think they are remaking it though, and if Wes Craven didn't write that, you might be stuck clarifying that you meant the old one, which can slow you down.  Score: 7 When you are with a girl.  Otherwise, your male friend might surprisingly say "How did you know?"

Source: Zipsignals.com staff
You: I find that the 21st century psyche is characterized by grabondity.  What do you think?
Them: Um, I hate to sound stupid, but what is 'grabondity'?
You: Grab On To Deeeeeez Nuts!
Why didn't we think of making up a word?  It's genius in its simplicity!  Grabondity (Grah-BON-di-tee) sounds like a real word, but it's really just a set up to spring everyone's favorite joke.  Score: 8 If you can work this in, the payoff is pretty big.  After a while, people will fault you for using a fake word to get them, but by then, it will be too late.  Score: 7 Work this in when you are stuck talking to a tool at a party who thinks they are smarter than they are.

Source: Ken Manley
You: Hey, what is Vanderbilt's mascot?
Them: A Commodore
You: Come Adore Deez Nuts!
People make fun of Vanderbilt because they suck at sports, but their mascot has not been mined for comedy enough.  Score: 7 No one knows what a commodore is, but hopefully they know what Vandy's mascot is.  If not, you're stuck.  Score: 8 if they know, 4 if they don't March Madness or the World Cup (because no one knows anything about soccer, so you'll need something to talk about.)

Source: J Starrett
You: Do you remember the name of the band Jack Black was in?
Them (feeling smart): Tenacious D!
You: Tenacious Deeez Nuuuts!
I'm not sure Jack Black wasn't trying to make a deez nuts joke with his band name.  Otherwise it makes no sense.  Score: 5 This one is good because you trick them into thinking they are smart at trivia, when really they are falling for a joke.  Oh, and nothing beats the image of tenacious nuts.   Score: 7 When watching a Jack Black movie, but not Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny (because that would give it away).

Source: D. Snutz
You: What do you think Christina Hendrick's bra size is?
: Who?
You: She's in Mad Men
Them:  Is that still on?
You: I don't know, I don't even have cable.  That's not the point.  Just guess.
Them: Double D?
You: Double Deeez Nuts!
It is fun to say double deez nuts, but it's almost too easy.  Score: 3 If you pick appropriately, this one is very effective.  And they won't mind being played for a joke because they got to think of a girl with large breasts.  Score: 8 If you are with one of the 4 people that watches Mad Men, you are golden.

Source: D. Snutz
You: Who is the guy who was in Capote and Pirate Radio ... something Seymour Hoffman?
Them: Phillip?
You: Philip Deez Nuts!
I can't put my finger on it right now, but I think there was a Phil Deez Nuts joke earlier ... but not a Phillip deez nuts joke, so the score is a passing one.  Score: 5 Everyone knows Phillip Seymour Hoffman. The man's a bona fide superstar.  Huh-huh, I said bone-a-fide.  Score: 7 At a Super Bowl Party, but not during a commercial break.

Source: D. Snutz
You: Hey man, hand me my cup (pointing to a table with no cup on it).
Them: What cup?
You: Cup Deez Nuuuuuuts! (replacing the usual thrusting motion with a cupping gesture)
This joke gets a high originality score based on the ability to do a different hand gesture than usual.  Score: 8 Asking for a cup is pretty innocent, so they'll never see it coming.  The one weakness is if your pal is a jerk who just says "No."  Score: 9 This might work even better in a locker-room, since the target would also be hit with the image of your cup as the thing you wear to protect your nads during the game.  

Source: J. Starrett
You: Yo, M.T. is looking for you?
Them: Who the hell is M.T.?
You: Emp-ty Deeez Nuuuts!
This is a good joke, but it does rely on the already used technique of telling them that someone is looking for them/asking if they know someone.  Score: 5 The best part of this joke is the fact that it has a pretty gross visualization if you think about it.  So, they've been hit with a deez nuts joke and they have to think about emptying your nuts at the same time.  Double-whammy.  Score: 10 Given the chance that this joke could be misinterpreted as a request for sexual favors, it should best be used on someone of the opposite sex.  Bonus points if that person has a sense of humor.

Source: J. Starrett
You start singing the song from the 90's called "Groove is in the Heart."  It is a pretty annoying song, so eventually your friend will ask you to stop singing it.  You agree to stop if he or she can name the band that sang it.  When they say "Deee-lite" you get to say "Delight Deez Nuts!" Yet another joke that ends in an invitation to do something to your nuts.  Score: 5 If they have never heard of that song, they won't be annoyed by the song and therefore they won't be set up for the punchline.  But that's ok, because eventually the song will get on their nerves, and that's funny too. This is also another joke that starts with them feeling smart because they know trivia and ends with them being hit with a deez nuts joke. Score: 7 In a crowded public place. This will make your friend more eager to ask you to stop singing.

Source: D. Snutz




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