Deez Nuts Jokes: The Revenge

People just can't get enough deez nuts jokes. Who can blame them? Scientists have theorized that deez nuts jokes are placed squarely on the intersection of the humor matrix that spans high-brow puns with low-brow jokes about testicles. And that may be the source of their power. The numbers don't lie. And neither do we, when we present a brand new batch of deez nuts jokes:

Even More Deez Nuts Jokes For Every Occasion*

1. "Which do you prefer, cassette tapes or compact disks?" If they say compact disks, your answer is obvious. But if they say cassette tapes, you must think quickly on your feet and say something like "see deez nuts taped to your head" or "I tapes you to my back so you can see deeez nuts."

Originality Factor 2: As an improvement of an original deez nuts joke, this joke, submitted by Count Reverend John MacIntosh Cronkite Ikard, is not going for originality.

Effectiveness Quotient 10:  The benefit of this is twofold. Firstly, it makes one nostalgic for a time when the cassette tape was a valid form of musical conveyance, and secondly, by omitting the contraction, and adding the cassette tape option, makes the askee less likely to assume that an inevitable pun on the asker's testicles is to follow.

Best time to use: When listening to music.


2. Next time you are watching a football game with your pals, yell out "Did anyone else see the holding?" on a play where there clearly was no holding penalty. When they say no, you can grab your crotch and yell "Holding Deeez Nuts!"


Originality Factor 8:  I've watched countless hours of football, and I've never heard this joke.

Effectiveness Quotient 4: No one will see it coming, so it has that going for it. But, since it's based on the word holding and not something with 'deez' at the end of it, it is less effective.

Best times to use: Your supervisor's Super Bowl party.

3. Next time your girlfriend nags you about cleaning your place, ask her if she's OCD. When she starts to get mad, follow up with "O See Deez Nuts!"

Originality Factor 10: Obessive Compulsive Disorder is rarely used in jokes.

Effectiveness Quotient 10: Not only will this joke get a laugh, but it will distract your girlfriend from the original subject - cleaning your place. Then again, she might dump you. But if she does that, you're probably better off, because she either doesn't have a sense of humor or she doesn't want to see doze nuts.

Best time to use: When anyone bugs you about something.


4. When your friend has the sniffles, ask if he or she would like some cold remedy. Regardless of their answer, you get to yell "Rem E Deez Nuts!"


Originality Factor 7: Thus far, the cold and flu drug manufacturers have not used this as part of their marketing strategy.

Effectiveness Quotient 3: It's funny. But they may get mad that you didn't actually have any cold remedy.


Best time to use: When your friend is so sick that he or she can't hit you when you tell this joke.


5. Ask your friend, “Who do you think would win in a fight, The Punisher or Spider-man?" Then, you get to say: Spy Deez Nuts!” Whether you actually make them spy your nuts is up to you 


Originality Factor 6: Comic books are new ground for deez nuts jokes.

Effectiveness Quotient 1 or 10: Most people who know anything about comics would pick Spider-man, setting you up perfectly. But, if someone were to pick The Punisher, you'd have to find a way to work the conversation back to Spider-man to make the joke work.

Best time to use: At a comic book convention.



6. Ask any baseball fan, who do you think will win this year, the Yankees or the Phillies?" If they say "Yankees" you get to yell "Yank on Deez Nuts!" If they say "Phillies" you can yell "Feel Deez Nuts!"

Originality Factor 1: This is really a reformation of two earlier deez nuts jokes: The one about Phil and the one about the Yankees and Expos.

Effectiveness Quotient 8.  Even though it is a reworking of two existing jokes, it is a very important updating of a joke that had become someone obsolete after the demise of the Montreal Expos. The fact that the Phillies actually are good now doesn't hurt either.

Best times to use: At a baseball game, preferably in New York or Philadelphia.

7. You ask “True or false, the Booby is a type of seabird?" Then you get to yell "Boo Beez Nuts!"

Originality Factor 9: No one has ever said this joke, and odds are, no one ever will.

Effectiveness Quotient -1: In your effort to tell a deez nuts joke, you missed the obvious! Why the heck would you turn this seabird into a deez nuts joke when it is called "booby?" That's funny enough as is. If you tell this joke, odds are the person will laugh when you say booby, but stop laughing when you ruin the moment with the punchline.. 

Best time to use: Your only hope for this joke is if you are talking to a bird scientist, preferably one who specializes in the family Sulidae and the genus Sula.

8. You ask "What's that cartoon with Shaggy and that dog?" When they say Scooby Doo, you get to say "Doo Scoo-beez nuts!"

Originality Factor 8: This one is hard to pull off, so it isn't likely to be used often.

Effectiveness Quotient 5-8: This depends on a few factors. If they are so caught up in feeling smart they won't see the joke coming. But, they also may not be paying attention enough to get the joke because you flipped "Doo" in front of "Scooby." But, if they catch it, you've hit a home run!

Best time to use: Pretend it is a question during a game of Trivial Pursuit.

9. You: "Do you want pizza?" Them: "I love pizza!" You: "Piece-a-DEEEEEZ Nuts!"

Originality Factor 2: Someone posted this on a facebook group devoted to Deez Nuts Jokes, so it's hard to claim it is original.

Effectiveness Quotient 9: It doesn't have deez in the lead-in, so they won't see it coming. But, it is effective and, unlike some of the other jokes on this list, it even makes sense.

Best time to use: When deciding what to order on a date.

* It should be noted that grabbing or motioning to your crotch adds to the effectiveness of the Deez Nuts punch line.  More enthusiastic gestures result in bigger laughs.



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