Deez Nuts Jokes 2: The Legend Continues

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The smashing success of our first batch of Deez Nuts Jokes led us to create even more Deez Nuts Jokes.  Apparently, when you open your mind to the possibilities, Deez Nuts are everywhere - even the Zoo and NASCAR. Editor's Note: If you love Deez Nuts jokes, check out Deez Nuts Jokes 3 or if you really want to blow your own mind, check out the John Kruk Edition. You will never look at nuts the same way again. Well, hopefully you weren't spending too much time looking at nuts before, but you get the point.

Deez Nuts Joke


When you are introducing your friend to people at a party, you ask: Would you like to see Maura Dees?

They probably won’t know who Maura Dees is, so they’ll say “uhhh, sure.”  That’s when you get to say “More of Deez Nuts!”

Best time to use: When you are in a party.

Originality Factor 10:  No one has likely ever heard of Maura Dees, unless they are like me and ran a Google search on her.

Effectiveness Quotient 5: While there is a real Maura Dees, it is unlikely anyone knows her.  This can come in handy when you ask them if they want to meet her.  Or, it can backfire if they don’t believe that there really is someone named Maura Dees.  Either way, it is funny to think of them seeing more-a your nuts.

Next time you and your date are at the video store trying to pick out a movie, you can ask “How about seeing Crocodile Dundee?”  Whether she wants to see it or not, you get to say “See Crocodile Dundeeez Nuts!”


Best time to use: If you are not at a video store or playing with Netflix, it sounds kinda crazy to be talking about a bad 80’s movie.

Originality Factor 7: While this one is fairly obvious, no one was using Deez Nuts jokes when the movie actually came out.  And it is likely that no one has thought of Crocodile Dundee since Crocodile Dundee II came out.

Effectiveness Quotient 5: If they don’t want to see the movie, you really don’t get to laugh at the idea that they want to see (dund)deez nuts.

If you and your pal are deciding where to eat dinner, you can suggest “Hey, want to taste BD’s?”  Hopefully, your pal has heard of the BD’s Mongolian Barbeque chain, and your friend will say “Sure.”  Then, you get to yell “taste B-Deez Nuts!”

Best time to use: When you are in a city that actually has BD’s Mongolian Barbeque.  Otherwise, you look like a tool.

Originality Factor 3: This almost seems like a Captain D's copycat.

Effectiveness Quotient 6: Yeah, it is similar to Captain D's, but it is still pretty funny.

You and your buddies are daring each other to do gross stuff.  You issue the following challenge “I’ll pay you five bucks to eat something moldy.”  Most people realize that penicillin is derived from mold, so they might accept your dare.  Then you get to say “eat Mold-deez nuts!”

Best time to use: At a drunken college party, preferably one with moldy bread around to act as a diversion.

Originality Factor 6: No one surveyed has ever been A) dared to eat something moldy or B) heard a deez nuts joke using moldy.

Effectiveness Quotient 2: If someone is drunk or stupid enough to agree to eat something moldy, they probably are too drunk or stupid to appreciate a good deez nuts joke.  And honestly, I’m not even sure this is a good deez nuts joke.

Everyone plans a vacation at some point.  You suggest a visit to Indy.  If they agree, you congratulate them because they just saved a lot of time and money.  After all, getting “in-deez nuts” is free!

Best time to use: When you get in a fight with your wife/girlfriend, and you have to make things right, you can suggest a vacation.  When you spring the deez nuts joke on her, she’ll laugh so hard, the fact that you gambled away the mortgage payment on fantasy sports will be long forgotten.  Or, she’ll dump you, in which case, you are better off anyway because she doesn’t have a sense of humor.

Originality Factor 9: This one is staring us all in the face, and yet, is underutilized.

Effectiveness Quotient 10: Getting in deez nuts is free!  Instant classic!

The scenario: Someone is hanging out at your house and they go to leave.  You ask “Are you going to Heidi’s?”  Odds are, they are not, so you have to get this one out before they answer – “Where are you going to hide Deez Nuts?!” and motion to your groin.

Best time to use: Well, honestly, it works best if y’all know someone named Heidi and the person you are asking is actually going to her place.

Originality Factor 9: Since most people don’t know anyone named Heidi, this joke is not used very often.  It’ll take ‘em by surprise for sure.

Effectiveness Quotient 2: See above.

Who was President Bush's National Security Advisor?  Condeez Nuts!*

Best time to use: Discussions about the Iraq war.

Originality Factor 7: While some people find the Bush administration funny, most don’t think to apply a deez nuts joke to it.

Effectiveness Quotient 3: The audience has to know that Dr. Condoleezza Rice is the National Security Advisor.*

You ask “Do you like manatees?  Everybody loves the gentle sea cow, so you’ll get to say “Man, I tease Deez Nuts!” while you grab your scrotal region.


Best time to use: At the zoo.  Or at a singles bar.

Originality Factor 10: Manatees are endangered.  As such, jokes about them are very rare indeed.

Effectiveness Quotient 9: To get the full effect, you really do have to grab yourself.  This would be a ten if I could figure out what you would really be doing when you ‘tease deez nuts.’  But it is still cool.


Illustrative Pictures



BDs Mongolian Barbeque


* Editor’s Note: Just in case, you can print out this picture to prove that there really was someone named Condoleezza in the Bush administration. They’ll have to take your word for it that she goes by "Condi."