Bofa D's Guide To Strange College Mascots bofads logo

 

When a team starts to play, one thing has the biggest impact on the outcome of the game. Not the players, not the coaches, not even the crowd noise. No, the biggest determiner of greatness is the mascot. Here is our guide to some mascots you may not be familiar with.

 

gaylord

Gaylord the Camel: The fact that Campbell University chose the fighting camels as their mascot is forgiveable. After all, Campbell Camels has a nice ring to it. But then to name him Gaylord? Inexcusable. No opposing team is afraid of a camel named Gaylord, especially one who dances like this.

Big Red: In the interest of full disclosure, I think the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers' mascot is one of the coolest ever. He's so lame he rulez. However, this pose concerns me.

wichita state shocker

WuShock the Shocker: Per the Wichita State website, WuShock is a "big, bad, musclebound bundle of wheat."  My concern is that "shocker" has a completely different meaning on Urban Dictionary.  I will spare the faint of heart and not copy the definition, but to give you a hint, it has to do with digital manipulation and uh ... everyone's favorite planet.  The risk of serious misunderstanding aside (She: I love the Shocker. He: Really?  This is my lucky day!"), WuShock also makes this list because he's a bundle of wheat with a sweater. 

The Tree: Stanford's tree could be the worst mascot ever. It's a tree, and it looks like it was made with Elmer's glue and construction paper by a group of first graders. However, the tree is partially redeemed by two things. One, it opens the door for jokes about "having wood." Two, the tree got busted for being drunk. [Editor's note: We are aware that Stanford's official mascot is the Cardinal. That opens up a whole other can of worms. Why not Cardinals? How can a team be a color? Where did the tree come from?]

Oski: The California Golden Bear looks like a 60 year old man, complete with grandpa cardigan and receding hairline. I guess his retroness can be endearing, if you are into that kinda thing.

penn state

Nittany Lion: Penn State's mascot sucks. Most mascots have muscles or at least some padding. This guy looks like a drowned rat...with a lame scarf.

lil rednebraska

Lil Red and Herbie Husker: Nebraska, I know you are stuck with a lame name, the Cornhuskers, but why steal a mascot from Big Boy?  To make matters worse, Herbie Husker looks like he came straight out of Brokeback Mountain (not that there's anything wrong with that).  To make matters worse, Herbie recieved a "makeover" in 2004.  Nebraska, you'd be better off with a big musclebound bundle of corn in a sweater.  

Banana Slug: UC Santa Cruz has it 100% right. They know their only chance of beating anyone is to have a mascot that will distract people. The slug will either cause players to laugh so hard they screw up, or wonder if it is supposed to look like a penis, thus breaking concentration.

Salukis!: Salukis are some sort of Egyptian dog. Couldn't Southern Illinois have found a mascot with local ties and without a perm?

ducksducks2

Oregon Duck: If you are the named the Ducks, why not go out and get Donald? That's pretty cool. Except NO ONE IN THE WORLD IS INTIMIDATED BY DUCKS.  At best, Donald shows foes that Oregon has the backing of both Nike (because its founder went there) and Disney.

Sebastian the Ibis: In order to appreciate Oregon's mascot, you need only look at this cheap knockoff. Not to mention the fact that the connection between an ibis and "hurricanes" is tenuous. And to make matters worse, it doesn't even look at all like an ibis. Shame on you Miami - first you steal Miami University's name, and now Oregon's mascot.

mascot fight

Washington State Cougar: Speaking of the Ducks mascot, the Cougar is the one person in the world who might be intimidated by Ducks, having suffered an epic beat down at the hand of the Oregon duck.  Humiliating thrashing aside, the Cougar also has to suffer the fact that in modern society, cougar has taken on the following new meaning:  A 35+ year old female who is on the hunt form a much younger male.  

rowdy raider

Rowdy Raider: If you've read this page, you already know we love Wright State. But they are the Raiders, which is a viking. Where the hell does this wolf thing come from? And why is he named "Rowdy?"

rudy flyer

Rudy Flyer: I have a soft spot in my heart for Dayton's mascot. He wears moon boots. But here's my problem: he's a flyer, but he has no plane. At least give the poor guy a cape or something. [Editor's note: apparently, Rudy has been given a red cape on occasion. On those days, the objection is withdrawn.]

Redhawk: Miami University used to be the Redskins. Offense to Native Americans aside, it was a pretty cool mascot (good enough for Washington's NFL football team). That's not to say that it was wrong to switch to a less offensive nickname. But why pick "redhawks?" There is no such thing as a redhawk. Look at this picture. What the hell were they thinking?

zip

Zippy: So many problems with the Akron Zips. First, what is a Zip? Second, doesn't calling yourself the Zips imply that you aren't going to score? And third, how do they get a Kangaroo out of zips?

Big Al: The Alabama Crimson Tide is mind boggling. First of all, why pick a mascot that sounds like laundry detergent. Second, what is scary about the tide, even if it is crimson? Third, what does an elephant have to do with all of that? My head hurts.

weevil

Boll Weevil: Any school with the mascot of Boll Weevils is awesome, even if the actual costume is kind of creepy. In this case, that is the University of Arkansas Monticello.

Gorlok: Webster Univeristy's Gorlok is possibly the lamest mascot ever. First, he kind of looks like Underdog. Rather than being burdened by anything that actually exists, Webster's website tells us the name Gorlok derived from the "combination of two streets that intersect in the heart of "Old Webster," Gore and Lockwood avenues. The name was chosen in June 1984 by a campus committee that considered many suggestions and voted several times before settling on the unusual nickname." First, it is sad that this name was chosen at all. The fact that people voted on it multiple times is even more shocking. You'd think at some point, someone would have chimed in to say: Ummm, why are we naming a mascot after two streets? And if it is named after Lockwood, why is there no C? Then they had to decide what a Gorlok looks like. Before chosing the current Gorlok, Webster's logo had the Gorlok doing something which I can only assume involves masturbation.

YoUDee: Delaware has chosen the Blue Hen as it's mascot. So, it is fair to say that Delaware players are chickens. Not only is a hen not very scary, but I've never actually seen a blue one, so that makes little sense. But the Blue Hen is redeemed by his name: YoUDee. Strange spelling aside, this name is the perfect set up for this website. YoUDee...You Deez Nuuuuts!

Billiken: The Saint Louis Billiken is ... well, what the heck is it? He looks kind of like a vampire or an alien. Or maybe an alien vampire. Either way, I don't want to look at his picture any more than I have to. He gives me the willies.

This article from Saint Louis University's website purports to explain the history of the Billiken. But, the first line declares that the Billiken is one of the "coolest" college mascots in the country. Since that is patently false, the rest of the story, and Saint Louis University as a whole, is called into question.

5 Simple Rules To Keep Your Mascot From Being Lame

1. Don't be a copycat: Bulldogs, Wildcats, Tigers, Eagles. These mascots are lame because so many people have chosen them. In fact, Kansas State and Northwestern are both purple wildcats. What will happen if they ever play each other? Rule: If more than 3 schools have your mascot, you suck. And just calling yourself a Hoya does not change the fact that you are a bulldog. And Gonzaga, you are officially Bulldogs, even if everyone calls you the 'Zags (which makes no sense. What is a Zag? Where's the Zig?).

2. Muscles are good: You want a mascot that is a little intimidating. You see how scrawny the Nittany Lion is. Now look up Sparty the Spartan and ask yourself who you'd rather fight. If you say Sparty, see the movie 300.

3. Blobs are easy: If you are stuck with a strange team name and are desparate for a mascot, go with a fuzzy blob. Western Kentucky did it best, but George Mason has followed suit with Gunston. Even Xavier has one (but he's a backup to the Musketeer).

4. Sexual innuendo will sell hats: If you pick a mascot like the 'Cocks, Trojans, Beavers, or even Horned Frogs, people with a juvenile sense of humor will buy your stuff.

J.D. has just informed us that that Pete the Peacock is the official mascot of Upper Iowa University. Peacock...it's two jokes!

peacock

5. Old Dudes are lame mascots: The Demon Deacon, George Washington Colonial, and the Vanderbilt Commodore are three examples of old dude mascots. Seriously, how excited can you get when your cheers are led by a guy who is coming to the game from the retirement home?

BONUS CONTENT

CLICK HERE to read an entire page of Deez Nuts Jokes About NASCAR

CLICK HERE to see Real Animals Tell Deez Nuts Jokes

CLICK HERE to continue to Strange Minor League Baseball Mascots

CLICK HERE to see this mascot knowledge in action in an original March Madness cartoon

CLICK HERE to see the stranget character of all: Scrobie

Or, you can just watch this poor T-Rex try out for the football team:



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