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Bofa D's Citizen Advisory Health Notice Public Service Announcement

 

BoFans are accustomed to the finest comedy we can think up. But for the first time, we interrupt the comic genius for a very serious citizen advisory health notice. Call it a consumer red alert. Call it a potentially life saving notice. Call it anything else that similarly provides credibility. The point is, we are trying to help warn people about a grave threat ... and not just any grave threat. We've learned of a grave threat to your penis!

That's right. Bofa D's has recently learned of the dreaded candiru fish. Not since those strange snakeheads has a fish posed such a threat. Why? This fish is known as the vampire fish. But amazingly, that is not why it is such a mega danger! (Are you sufficiently scared yet? You should be.)

So what exactly is this scary fish? Well, Britannica Online defines the candiru as follows: "scaleless, parasitic catfish of the family Trichomycteridae found in the Amazon River region. A translucent, eellike fish about 2.5 cm (1 inch) long, the candiru feeds on blood and is commonly found in the gill cavities of other fishes. It is sometimes also parasitic to humans and has been known to enter the urethras of bathers and swimming animals." Ok, that was more boring than scary, so I'll translate: This fish will go up your wee-wee. Now that's scary! By the way, we are totally not kidding. This fish is real. Too real.

But why would a fish go up your weenis? That's where things start getting dicey. See, the Candiru is rumored to love urine. As a result, the theory goes, when you take a whizz, the fish follows the urine trail up to the source. A thorough web search indicates that people in the Amazon are convinced of this, so it must be true. Of course, this begs the question, why the hell would a fish love urine so much that it follows the trail all the way up the whizzstick? I mean, if urine was so awesome, we wouldn't just flush it down the drain. Audubon magazine has the answer: "Candirus primarily set up house inside larger fish, where they feast on the host's blood. They are attracted to nitrogen, which usually leads them to a gill chamber, but apparently they can't distinguish between one nitrogen-emitting orifice and another: They have been known to follow a stream of urine right to its source."

While it is a relief to know that fish don't love urine for urine's sake, that is small comfort to the guy who has one lodged in his penis. So just how do we quantify this grave threat? If you are on the banks of the Amazon and you pee into the river, can the fish swim up that urine trail and nestle in your goodies? We found a source that did some science stuff, and concluded that laws of physics dictate that a fish can't swim up a stream of urine with enough force to wedge itself inside the ol' totem pole. But this study relied on "math" and not actual field tests. Do you want to take that chance based on some "scientist's" theory? I mean, they don't release drugs without testing them on actual people. Either way, you 100% totally do NOT want to drop off a deposit while you are actually in the Amazon river. There is no law of physic protecting you in that case.

By now, you are probably scared. Hopefully not scared enough to wet yourself, lest a candiru follow the urine trail and ... well, you know. But we are not here to scare, we are here to help. So, in order to protect you, here are Ten Important Tips to Keep A Fish From Entering Your Genitals:

1. Don't go to the Amazon River.

2. If you do go to the Amazon River, don't take a leak.

3. If you have to take a leak, don't do it in the river.

4. If you have to take a leak in the river, wear a speedo and carry a bottle of urine. Tight bathing suits may prevent the fish from getting to your little buddy. But, just in case, throw the bottle of urine a little ways away to act as a diversion.

5. Don't take fish from the Amazon River and put them in your swimming pool, no matter how cute they are.

6. Only go swimming with friends who have urine with high nitrogen content. Candiru will be more attracted to their urine, and they might just leave you alone.

7. Don't have sex with someone who has a candiru infestation. I have no idea if this is communicable. But do you really want to be known as the person who has sex with a guy who had a fish lodged in his willie?

8. Be carefull when you are on www.amazon.com. I doubt there is much of a risk of catching a candiru from a website, but nothing I read specifically stated which amazon posed the threat. Better safe than sorry.

9. I know you don't believe me that this thing exists, so check out this book on Amazon. Knowing (and believing) is half the battle. Wait a minute ... there are candiru's on Amazon.com!

10. If you feel that you might have a candiru fish in your johnson ... sorry dude, you're hosed. But be sure to email webmaster@bofads.com We won't be able to help you, but we'll post it on our site. Your pain will result in joy for literally dozens of readers.

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Sources:

www.audobon.org

The Straight Dope

The Straight Dope Revists the issue

Wikipedia

Wilderness Medical Society

Google