Ten Easy Ways to Break Up With Your Girlfriend
So you've read the Ten Signs it is Time to Break Up With Your Girlfriend. Maybe she broke the Nintendo Wii you waited on line for hours to get. Maybe she hooked up with your best friend. Maybe you found out she's a vampire. Whatever the reason, you are reading this because you've come to the conclusion that you need to break things off. But how are you supposed to do that? Well, you can sac up and just break up with her face-to-face like a normal person ... or you can read this list:
1. Be Annoying: And by annoying, we mean so annoying that she'll actually break up with YOU, saving you the awkwardness of having to be 'the bad guy.' I suggest the following plan. First, refrain from showering. Then forget her birthday, Valentine's Day, and Christmas. FInally, adopt and constantly repeat an annoying catchphrase such as "It's go time" or "Buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride." When you pick her up for a date - drop the catchphrase. When she calls you - drop the catchphrase. Waiting in line for movie tickets - drop the catchphrase. If you say your catchphrase enough times, she'll dump you for sure. And when you are the dumpee instead if the dumper, you may even get a sympathy date or two.
2. Text Message: Text messages are all the rage. It has all the convenience of using a phone without any of the lame 'talking to people' part. And to make things even more convenient, people use clever shortcuts like lol, wwjd, and rofl. Send her one that says iabuwy. When she asks what that stands for, spell it out - I Am Breaking Up With You. If you add one of those :) smiley faces, it may lessen the blow. But don't write 'lol' because that's just cold. The main advantage to this method is, she's nowhere near you when it happens, so physical violence is not an option.
3. Move: Pack up your stuff and move away ... far far away. She won't be able to find you, and eventually she'll figure out that you are no longer dating.
4. Dead Flowers: When you are courting someone, you send them pretty roses. Why not do the opposite to break up? Send her some dead flowers with a note that reads "these flowers are dead, like our relationship."
5. Soft Landing: Gently end it by suggesting she date your friend. This could kill two birds with one stone. You'll be free, and you may just help your buddy get a date.
6. Go to Prison: Being behind bars makes you unavailable to date. Actually, it pretty much makes you unavailable for anything. But on the positive side, you'll finally be free from going to chick flicks, carrying her purse when you go out, and all the other stuff you hate doing with her. Odds are, when you complete your term in the big house, you'll be a free man. She may try to stick it out and wait for you to get out. But I've seen enough TV shows to know that eventually, she'll get tired of reading your letters that say "Today I sat in my cell and tried to avoid being molested by my cellmate ... again." Before she moves on, you may still enjoy some conjugal visits. Talk about a win-win!
7. Start Dating Her Friend: This will NOT make you the good guy. In fact, you'll probably be labelled a jerk and ruin their friendship in the process. But what better way is there to signal that things are over and move on to your next relationship at the same time?
8. Make A Mixtape: Ahhh, the mixtape - the collection of songs you carefully selected just for her. It's romantic. It's effective. It's a cheap gift when you can't think of anything to buy her. Why not use the power of the mixtape to aid you in this time of need? Only this mixtape will be full of songs that let her know you don't want to date anymore. Here are some songs to include: (1) Michael Bolton, "I Said I Loved You, But I Lied" (2) Boyz II Men, "End of the Road" (3) Air Supply, "All Out Of Love" (4) Eamon, "I don't Want You Back" (5) Aly & AJ, "Potential Breakup Song" (6) Everly Brothers, "Bye Bye Love" (7) Beyonce, "Irreplaceable" (8) Scandal, "Goodbye to You" and (9) Nelson, "After the Rain" (Because Nelson is cool).
9. Join a Cult: Join a cult with her, only you'll be faking. Wait until she's converted and totally into the cult, then go home.
10. Draw a Picture: Give her a comic of you breaking up with her. When she asks what it is, tell her you are like Isaac Mendez on Heroes. If she's seen season one of Heroes, she'll know that he can paint the future. If she hasn't seen it, either tell her that Isaac Mendez could paint the future (until Sylar killed him) or just buy her season one from Amazon so she can figure it out herself.
Congratulations! You now have all the tools you need to regain your single-osity. It's go time. It's time to get back out there and meet some people. There's no better way to be "that guy" than to give everyone cool nicknames.
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