TEN ADVANTAGES OF BEING BALD
There's an old saying: "Having gray hair isn't so bad ... ask any bald guy." American society has shunned male pattern baldness to such an extent that an entire industry has developed to undo or mask baldness. Rogaine, hair plugs, Hair Club for Men, wigs, and the worst of them all ... the combover technique, all seek to hide what should be considered one of nature's gifts. This article exposes the truth, that being bald is actually an advantage, and in doing so, seeks to liberate bald men everywhere. While the list may be endless, here are ten advantages of being bald, listed in the order our bald comrades get to experience them throughout the day:
1. Save Money on Hair Care Products: What do most men do when they get in the shower? Ok, besides masturbation. That's right, shampoo. But bald men don't have to do this. Instead, they go straight to the soap. Shampoo can be expensive. Over time, not having to buy shampoo can lead to significant savings. Add in not having to pay for hair gel and haircuts and it really starts to add up. Do the math - bald guys have more money to spend on the finer things in life.
2. Free Time: Even the grimiest guy takes some time combing his hair. Some dudes take hours just to make it look like they DON'T comb their hair. And there's always the time it takes to dry your hair. The bald man has the advantage of hopping out of the shower and getting dressed right away. This allows him to sleep in a little bit more or get to work early. So, while you are running your fingers through your hair, your bald coworker is getting promoted.
3. No Dandruff: You put on your best black shirt or navy suit and head off to face the world. But just like one of those Head and Shoulders commercials, you end up with snow on your shirt and it isn't winter. Dandruff can make you look like a putz and cost you a job or a date with a hottie. But not if you are bald.
4. Ability to Wear a Hat: You are on your way to work and it is freezing out. But you can't put on a warm hat because it will give you 'hat head' and make you look like a complete tool. So instead, you make like William Henry Harrison and forego the hat. You end up with a cold that turns into pneumonia and end up dying, all in the name of your hairstyle. Bald guys can pop on a warm hat in the winter to avoid the cold or a baseball cap at the ballgame to shield their eyes from the sun without fear of looking like a loser when they take it off.
5. Potential to be the Next Jean Luc Picard: When women think of sexy guys, they have a lot of options to choose from: George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Richard Simmons, and Fabio immediately come to mind. But when women think about sexy bald dudes, there is only one: Jean Luc Picard. If you are bald, you have much less competition. No one can compete with Jack Nicholson, but in the watered down 'bald dude' division, our bald friends just might have a chance to break into the top five.
6. Better at Sports: Maybe it is because the sweat rolls off their head easier allowing them to cool down. Maybe it makes a football helmet more comfortable. Maybe it makes them more aerodynamic. For whatever reason, bald athletes are better. Look at basketball. Charles Barkley - bald. Micheal Jordan - bald. Kevin Garnett - bald. Boniface Ndong - bald. The message is clear: There is a little bit of superstardom in all bald men.
7. Never Carded for Alcohol:If you are bald, odds are the liquor store clerk isn't going to card you. Given that no one under the age of 21 would ever try to obtain alcohol, the benefits of this are more of the time saving variety, as opposed to helping prematurely bald guys under the age of 21 get drunk.
8. Facial Hair Makes Them Look Like Badasses: If you are bald and grow a little gotee, you look like a badass. Note: This is entirely different from that guy who grows a beard in an attempt to distract you from the fact that he is bald.
9. No Tan Lines: Have you ever spent a weekend out in the sun and then went for a haircut? If so, odds are, you got those funky tan lines around the edges of your hair. Not the bald guy. He's already taken advantage of the increased real estate open to tanning, allowing him to have a uniform tan that extends all the way up to the top of his head.
10. National Pride: What is the National Bird of America? The BALD eagle. Not the 'Flowing Locks of Hair' eagle. As Antonin Scalia is prone to argue, we should look to the founding fathers and ask what would they think about a given situation. Well, in the case of baldness, their intent is clear - they named our national bird after bald guys. And these guys were pretty smart. Our founding fathers founded the Electoral College, invented electricty, and led our country through World War II. Clearly, George Washingon, John Hancock, and Richard Nixon thought very highly of baldness, and you should too.
As you can see, being bald is the coolest. As awareness of this grows, expect an entire industry promising baldness to emerge. But even a bald man is only as effective as his job...
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